Top 5 Christmas Movies In 5 Words Or Less

I felt like this needed to be done but my lack of time prevented a full blogs so enjoy this teeny tiny blog. Top 5 Christmas movies in 5 words or less.

5) A Christmas Story 1983- Every kids childhood.






























4) How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the original cartoon) 1966- Dr. Seuss is a genius.

3) Mr. Krueger's Christmas 1980- Jimmy Stewart. 'Nuff said.


























2) It's A Wonderful Life 1946- See #3



























1) Elf- BUDDY: I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. (this is not cheating, hyphenated words are technically one word, I looked it up. Also since this little side not is not a part of my argument I have safely stayed within the parameters of the 5 word limit rule.)

Top 5 Sexiest Female Characters

I want to preface this blog with an apology for the sellout move I pulled last week by posting a blog in which "Twilight" regrettably appeared. "Twilight" should not be in a "Top 5" for anything that may display it in a positive light. To my readers I apologize. I am ashamed.

Now that we have that out of the way. This week's topic has the purpose of balancing out the estrogen filled blog that my sexual frustration produced last week. Today we can, in a completely heterosexual way, put together a blog brimming with testosterone. Men, please understand that this is completely from a female's point of view. I am quite sure we have different ideas of what is and is not sexy. I did, however, do my research. I received input from men I trust and put together what is a pretty solid "Top 5", but I am a woman. Be understanding.

5- Allison (Zooey Deschanel) --Yes Man:

She is a little crazy, a little offbeat but that's why we love her. I remember when Zooey Deschanel first got big. A good friend, we will call her "Cassi" to protect her identity, introduced me to some of her work. I knew right off women would love her. She is feminine, beautiful, fearless and so obviously a woman's woman. Then, less than six months later a friend we will call "Chuck" pointed her out in a movie preview exclaiming, "There is just something about that girl!". Ever since then she is all I hear about from both sexes. It surprises me a little because she isn't typical and, no offense to men, but men usually like something a little more typical. It is that atypical charisma that shines through in her work. It is especially apparent in "Yes Man".

Even the most carefree and irresolute of people have fearful moments. There is this idea that a woman like Allison could make us all a little more bold. Her quirky hobbies and unusual talents are what make her fun. It is her physical appearance that makes her beautiful. It is her complete confidence that makes her sexy.

4-Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) --Almost Famous:

Kate Hudson, queen of the romantic comedy, has been in eighteen movies to date. Ninety percent of her movies are rubbish. Ordinarily she plays the cliche female lead. A character that offends my delicate film sensibilities. A character that insults my intelligence and diminishes a woman's desire for individuality. In spite of my misdirected antipathy towards the romantic comedy leading lady I still manage to love Kate Hudson in "Almost Famous". Without that film she would be down my list of favorites hanging out with Jessica Alba. That being said it doesn't matter how much I like or dislike her and the movies she is in. This isn't "Top 5 Actresses Based Solely On Their Acting Ability", it is "Top 5 Sexiest Actresses" and she is number 4.

Penny Lane pretty because of her genetics, but she is sexy because she made herself that way. She is sexy because she knows she is. To convince someone of her sex appeal all she did was fake the self confidence a sexy women has. I watched the movie several times before I realized it was artificial. It is that slight, almost undetectable, air of vulnerability that drives her from boyish to sexy. That and her phenomenal legs.

3- Viann (Juliette Binoche) Chocolat:

There is something about a women who works with chocolate. It is unbelievably sexy. Viann is a strong independent single mother who has just moved to a small town in France to open a chocolaterie during Lent. The town is almost completely devout Catholic and her presence and red shoes cause quite a stir among the locals. She has, however, moved their with a mission and refuses to back down to anyone. She lives her life in such an unashamed and audacious manner. I like her for her moxie, I think its sexy.

2- O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) --Kill Bill Volume I:

O-Ren Ishii is delightfully sadistic, yet celestially mellow. She is completely unique in her look and her character . Completely destructive and malicious, she still has an air of decency and nobility. Her beauty is unconventional, but that individuality is what makes her so forceful . It is easy to see why Ishii is appealing.

Lucy Liu is a beautiful women without any help, but Quenton Tarantino created a character with just enough crazy to sling shot her into the "sexy" category. I so thoroughly enjoy the scene where she has just become the leader of the Yakuza gang in Tokyo. It so perfectly accentuates her insanity. A member of her council accuses her of degrading their organization with her half Japanese half Chinsese-American heritage. She unhesitatingly removes his head with a Samurai sword. Then, starting in an understanding tone, addresses the situations. Here is what she says:

O-Ren Ishii: "As your leader, I encourage you to -- from time to time and always in a respectful manner -- to question my logic. If you're unconvinced a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you. And I will promise you, right here and now, no subject will be taboo ... except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. (*up to this point she is very kind, almost maternal about the whole situation*) The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or my American heritage as a negative is, (*here is where the crazy comes out*) I collect your fucking head. (holds up a decapitated head) Just like this fucker here. Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!! ... I didn't think so."

Now, we all know how I love a good Samurai sword scene, so let's just jump right into the next one. Her face-off with "The Bride" (Uma Thurman) is legendary. O-Ren is dressed completely in white and the setting is outside in a snow covered garden. As she removes her Gettas and slowly takes her sword from its sheath her cool, confident conduct is unbelievably sexy. The sword crosses her face horizontally exposing only her almond shaped eyes and freckled mouth. The control with which she moves creates a feeling of complete contentedness only to be shattered by the speed at which she strikes her enemy. The entire scene is perfectly constructed to create an enormously sexy character.

1- Maggie "The Cat" (Elizabeth Taylor) Cat On A Hot Tin Roof:

There is a scene in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" where Maggie (Taylor) is cleaning ice cream off of her stockings. She starts out in heels, a skirt, a blouse and stockings. She detaches her guarders and then works her way down to nothing but a slip. The entire time she is complaining to Brick (Paul Newman) in a sultry southern drawl about her sister-in-law's "no neck" children. The conversation seems so casual it is as though being sexy is as second nature as breathing to her.

Elizabeth Taylor is the most stunning women that ever graced the silver screen. Her dark hair and violet eyes are an electrifying contrast. The curve of her figure is, to say the least, ideal. She is feminine, graceful, beautiful and strong. Even her presence has undeniable sex appeal. She was impeccably casted for this film.

Maggie's character was developed to be sexy, to be irresistible, in order to show the extent of the marital problems between her and Brick. It is a bad marriage when two people that beautiful resent each other too much to make intimacy work. However, the chemistry between her and her bitter husband is undeniable. They have, beyond doubt, the sexiest sexual tension in any film to date. What they lacked in romance they made up for in drama.

Despite the problems they had Maggie was determined to win Brick back no matter the cost. There are obvious issues that my ever so slightly feminist pride has with this. However, I do appreciate her ability to manipulate to get her way. Even her neediness is sexy. She was powerful in the only way she could have been in her situation during that time.

Beautiful, manipulative, and determined Maggie "The Cat" is a triple threat. She is iconic. She is the epitome of sexy. Every women wants to be her and no man can resist her. She is, undeniably, the sexiest women of all time.

Top 5 Sexiest Male Characters

A good friend once said regarding Top 5, "Eventually, though, you're going to run out of this kind of fodder and have to write about movies that REAL girls watch". What am I if I am not a real girl? As proof that I do like rippling muscles, here we go ladies. This is for you...


5- Peter (Adrien Brody)- Darjeeling Limited:
I want to cover different varieties of what we find appealing, because it isn't always about rock-hard abs and great hair. In fact, for women, it rarely is.
Adrien Brody is not physical perfection. He has an unusual look, but what fascinates women isn't always appearance. As women we admire depth of character. We esteem hidden sensitivity because of its rarity. The humility and sadness in Peter (Brody) combined with his extreme ability to love takes him from sappy to sexy. There is a scene where he is standing with his brothers (played by Owen Wilson and Jason Schwartzman) in their train compartment wearing nothing but a pair of old sunglasses and white boxers. The prescription sunglasses he is wearing belonged to his father who had passed away one year earlier. He kept them just to have a little piece of his father with him. I hate to admit it, but ladies like a sentimental man. That scene made me fall in love with Adrien Brody. After watching "The Darjeeling Limited" for the first time, I have seen everything he has done. To my amazement he has managed to draw sex appeal out of the oddest of characters. His ability to connect makes this average looking man hot. Dang hot.


4-Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner)- The Twilight Saga: New Moon:
I am ashamed... I was not even going to see "New Moon" out of principle. However, my cousins were in town and, being the participator that I am, I went with them to see it. Here is my honest opinion of what I saw:
Twilight spits in the face of art. It is literary and cinematic bile. Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) have zero chemistry, zero acting ability, and zero likability. It isn't exclusively their fault. They had substandard dialogue and development to work with. The bitter truth of the matter is it could have been poorer quality than it actually was and women of all ages would have still flocked to box offices around the country by the millions to see it for the thirteenth time. It breaks my heart to see theatre degraded in this manner.
There was, however, one bright spot in those two wasted hours of my life. Jacob Black. It is not solely for physical reasons that this teenage star is so sexy. He exudes a bashful confidence. His physical strength does not overpower his emotional vulnerability. Based on trust and friendship, his love for Bella is beautifully imperfect. Though he doesn't have much competition for the title, Jacob Black is the most developed and impressively acted character in the "Twilight" series.
All of my arguments above remain true. However, I cannot in good conscience fake the depth of my attraction. What it comes right down to is a killer smile and killer biceps. I am thirty percent feminist, which is just enough to have some pride, but being proud and independent does not mean I am without a pulse. Jacob Black is sexy. I want to eat dessert foods off of his washboard abs. I want to smother his body with Jello while he does crunches just to see what it looks like as it rolls off. He is straight up aesthetically pleasing. Don't misunderstand. I do not have a "Team Jacob" button pined to my sweater vest, but were he legal and sitting in this coffee shop as I write my fifth blog, I am afraid to say I would find myself disregarding self-respect, throwing caution to the wind, and slipping him my number.


3- Christian (Ewan McGreggor)- Moulin Rouge:
The moment Christian opened his mouth to sing the words "The hills are alive with the sound of music" I melted. Is there anything sexier than a talented, sensitive poet? He is naive, sincere, talented, and most of all beautiful. That beauty is what pushes Christian into top 5 material. What is it exactly that makes him beautiful? Could it be his perfect bone structure? His lovely eyes? His suave and dapper sense of style? All of these are just things we see when he is bereaved because the most beautiful part of Christian is his smile. Mmmm that smile, that smile is incredibly charming. Every woman dreams of having a smile that stunning directed at them. We swoon at a great smile. Men, if you are reading this, practice a sincere smile. We can't resist it.






2- Johnny (Patrick Swayze)- Dirty Dancing:
Every female fantasy movie made since 1987 wishes that it was "Dirty Dancing". It was the first and last sexy love story. This coming of age drama is about a young women who falls for a rebellious dance instructor, Johnny (Swayze), while on vacation with her family. Going against what her family always expected of her she finds herself in the sexiest affair off all time.
There is a level of gorgeous that few men attain. I like to call it "The Perfect Storm". There are four points to a "Perfect Storm". 1: Killer Body. 2: A talent rare among men. 3: A problem with authority. 4: A sincere heart. Is Johnny "The Perfect Storm"? Let's review.
1) Yes, the body is easy on the eyes (refer to picture on right), but it is what he does with it that makes him so sexy. It is the way he moves.
2) You wont believe it until you see it. Watch the movie. I have never and probably will never see a man who dances like Patrick Swayze.
3)From the first time he enters the scene harassing the waiters in his leather jacket, to the grand finale of him dancing in the aisle with the audience members, we can tell Johnny is a rebel.
4)Johnny has a history of bad decision making, but throughout the movie we see him stand up for what is right and support the people he loves. He is good, but oh so bad, and that's why we love him.
Women are surprisingly easy to please. Give us a rebel with a leather jacket and an attitude with authority figures and we are set. Throw in a rockin' body and we won't know what hit us. "Perfect Storm"? I think so.


1- Brick (Paul Newman)- Cat On A Hot Tin Roof:
The year: 2004. The place: Timberline High School. I am sitting in my "American Literature" class preparing to watch yet another movie, and thinking to myself, "Shouldn't we be reading in our literature class?". I suppose Mr. Lewis thought the best way to expose teenagers to good literature, when they refuse to read it, is to show them the Hollywood version. Who is going to complain? Write notes, get a good nap and catch up on homework from other classes. I was mentally preparing to enter my R.E.M. cycle when something happened that I never expected. Elizabeth Taylor. Yes, that is right, Elizabeth Taylor, a women, jerked me from my near comatose state to complete cognizance . To date there is no other person who ever lived that I dreamed of being more than I dreamed of being Elizabeth Taylor, and for forty-five seconds I thought that there was no one sexier. Forty-five seconds is how long she is on screen before they introduce Brick (Paul Newman). With Paul Newman was introduced a phenomenon, something completely unique. A form of sex appeal yet to be seen in any other film to this degree. Its a little something called chemistry. Sometimes sexy takes two to work. In this case it definitely works. The sexual tension between Maggie (Taylor) and Brick is so seductive that falling for the wounded Brick is inevitable. He is beautiful, deep feeling, rebellious, talented, and macho. He has it all.
Again, let's not pretend it's something it's not. While I adore the chemistry between Brick and Maggie "The Cat", I have to admit that I am of the opinion that Paul Newman is the best looking man who ever lived. He is pretty, but also masculine. There is no doubt that he is a real man. Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman, and Ryan Gossling have nothing on him. They are all just men we look at while we wait for a reincarnated Paul Newman to return to the silver screen. It's almost painful to see someone who is so incredibly beautiful and undeniably talented and understand I will never have the chance, because by sheer fate I was born sixty years too late.

Top 5 Things Movie Characters Shouldn't Do

Movie characters... They are consistently better looking, more talented, wittier, funnier, more likable, and get more action than the rest of the general population. There is, however, one thing that people whose life stories do not fit into two hours have over the fictitious: brains. We don't do the ridiculous stuff that gets them into these situations in which they can appear sexy or exciting. So, next time you watch "We Own The Night" and Eva Mendes makes you feel bad about yourself, remember that you are not a moron and just be content with that.

5- The "Kill Someone During A Drunken Night Of Stupidity Then Try To Cover It Up":

ie: "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (all of them) "Sorority Row"

I have found that when I accidentally kill someone due to my own stupidity the police are often more understanding than the guy I thought I killed. That guy is very likely still alive and when he comes back for you, trust me, he will kill you dead. There is no way around it. A life of prison rape and parole boards is better than no life at all right? Do not listen to the prom queen, listen to the virtuous book worm because she is right. Turn yourselves in. It is much better than the alternative.

4- The "O... Umm... Yeah... By The Way...":

ie: "How to Lose A Guy In 1o Days", "Because I Said So", "Hitch", "There Is Something About Mary", "You've Got Mail", "Maid In Manhattan", "Failure To Launch", "Splash", "Bewitched", "Never Been Kissed", "Ten Things I Hate About You"



First of all, every one of these movies is cinematic trash. The only exception being, maybe, Bewitched. To harsh? It's how I feel. These are all predictable, paint by numbers plot lines. In each of these films the main character, or in some instances multiple characters, start off their relationship with someone under completely false pretenses. "Maid In Manhattan" O... Um... Yeah... By The Way... I'm a maid. "Never Been Kissed" O... Umm... Yeah... By The Way... I'm actually an adult pretending to be a student so this relationship will actually work and the advances that were completely inappropriate before are now okay. "Splash" O... Um... Yeah... By The Way... I'm a Mermaid. Will you forgive me for deceiving you and become a merman and live with me under water forever. NO! This does not happen. Sure people lie, but when they lie to someone they supposedly care about the relationship doesn't just become okay once the truth is out there. If Heath Ledger conveniently left out the fact that he was dating me because a rich jock paid him to so that said jock could date my sister, a poem, for which the movie would later be named, would not make everything OK ("Ten Things I Hate About You"). There are serious problems with this plot, yet writers and producers all around the globe come up with new lies for Mathew McConaughey to tell Kate Hudson each and every year. People eat it up, but it is insulting to my intelligence and to yours. So, please join me in my boycott of this nonsense and make the theater a place for art once more.





3- Don't F*** with Liam Neeson:

ie: "Taken"



Liam Neeson is general in the army that specializes in kick-assery. Here is the deal; If you want to be a criminal, follow this rule if you want to live. DO. NOT. F***. WITH. LIAM. This wasn't a lesson we had to learn by watching an agglomeration of movies throughout the years. It only took one.




2- Don't Go Out There Alone!:

ie: "Friday the 13th" (all of them), "Halloween" (all of them), "Nightmare On Elm Street" (all of them), "The Cell", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre","I Know What You Did Last Summer" (all of them), "Scream", "Psycho", "The Last House On The Left", "The Hills Have Eyes", "My Bloody Valentine"

(I know that there are thousands and thousands more that I don't have time to list)



Dear Abby-

My friends want to spend spring break at Lake Violent Death. I feel uneasy about it because I have heard rumors of a crazy man who lives up there. He waits for young people such as ourselves to be isolated from the world and then he picks us off one by one. I am anxious because I know eventually I will have to go out to the shed all by my lonesome and figure out who has been rummaging through the gardening tools only to discover the scythe is missing. Any advice would be much appreciated.



Sincerely,

Lee Departed



Dear Lee Departed-

If you are a virgin then don't worry about it. Your chances of survival are about ninety percent. Which is the same chance of surviving your walk to your Political Science class that is across campus at night. However, if you are the bong happy fellow with the bad haircut or the licentious libertine, listen up. This is good advice that may save your life one day. College aged men and women that engage in sexual activity are extremely susceptible to early death by machete. Yet, again and again they refuse to go anywhere as a group. Do your homework before wandering into the woods with a group of promiscuous under aged drinkers. See the list of movies above. If one of your friends has died violently while you were vacationing in your uncle's cabin, it does not matter if it is moving from the floor to the couch, take someone with you. If your boyfriend says "stay here, I'll be right back." he is a dead man and you are an nincompoop. Yes, "he" is out there. Yes, "he" will kill you. No, "he" cannot take out a group of 10 all at once because "he" never has a gun. I know the semester is finally over and its time to party, but on behalf of advice columnists everywhere I am asking, begging, pleading, do not go out there alone.



-Abby



1- Create Artificial Intelligence:

The "Terminator" movies, "A.I.", "2001: A Space Odyssey", "The Matrix" 1, 2 and 3, "I, Robot"



The corporations and governments who create artificial intelligence must not posses the very gift that they give. When was the last time someone created Artificial Intelligence and then said, "Hey, you know what? This seems to really be working out. The machines obey us, they seem content being slaves, and I personally have seen zero time-traveling assassination attempts"? The answer is never. It never ever happens and still, I am sure, there are people out there right now trying to make it work. Has John Connor taught you nothing? There is no way to control them. They learn fast. They take over. And even if you create a trilogy about it you still don't win. If humans happen to come out triumphant the world is basically destroyed. No one wants to live in the world of the latest terminator movie. There would always be that fear that one of the machines survived and is off somewhere rebuilding. To help combat this absurd idea I am starting an organization called IPAAI; Intelligent People Against Artificial Intelligence. If you would like to donate please make all checks payable to MerryNoelle.

Top 5 Scenes Where The Bad Guy Gets His That Make You Say "Yes!" (With a Fist Pump)

The other day at work my cousin, Byron, sent me a video of this older lady sucker punching one of her co-workers right in the grill. It is a good solid hit. This woman clearly had motive. Her co-worker had irritated her so far past her threshhold that the only logical solution was to publicly debase her. We all know someone that we want to kick in the teeth, though we hold back because it's not kosher. But to this 60-something, middle class, slave to "the man" I say Mazal Tov for finally breaking the bonds of civilized social America. This video is responsible for this week's blog. So, let's get down to some good ol' fashioned, take the law into your own hands, fist pumping with a hearty "YEAH" vengeance!


5- Gladiator- Commodus (Joaquin Pheonix): There are two types of people in the world. Type 1: People who saw Jaoquin Pheonix in Gladiator before anything else. Type 2: People who saw him in anything but Gladiator first. The 2nd type of person has no problem with him, but the first type... well... they tend to have a deeply seeded hatred for the poor guy. Luckily I saw him in Signs, Walk The Line, and The Village before I saw him in Gladiator. Therefore, I can appreciate him as an actor without seeing the contemptible Commodus every time I see his face. However, I did a major fist pump when he gets his at the end of Gladiator. Lets reflect on the deeds of Commodus... He kills his father, he kills Maximus' family, enslaves Maximus, and tries to get a little too close to his sister, among other really upsetting acts. This guys definitely deserves the shame of a knife to the throat in front of his entire kingdom.


4- The Departed- Collin Sullivan (Matt Damon): There are bad guys that are just bad through and through. The audience knows it. The character knows it. Everyone knows it. Then there are the Collin Sullivans. They are the type that no one but the audience realize are bad. Their friends, their co-workers, their girlfriends all think that they are good, law abiding citizens. However, you and I know better. That is why watching him get his is so satisfying. Someone finally recognizes what the congregation has been trying to communicate to the good guys from their seats in the theater. Collin Sullivan is that bad dude. It discredits humanity that a man like him can get away with being a dirtbag for so long. There is also the issue that all of the characters that he negatively affects are so dang likable, though at times misguided. It is hard not to cheer on baneful Frank Costello, if only because he is played by Jack Nicholson. Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) has such an air of vulnerability about him that his death scene is like watching a puppy get kicked. So, when Staff Sgt. Dignam (Mark Wahlberg) uncovers the truth and shoots the stupefied Sullivan in his own apartment it is a momentous "Fist Pump" moment.


3- Pulp Fiction- The Rapists:

Please note: If you are going to continue reading my blog you need to get used to the fact that Pulp Fiction is going to appear in it unabashedly. This movie has absolutely everything.


I have dreams. Little fantasies I entertain myself with. Certain situations I would like to be put in at least once in my life. One of those situations would be to have a Samurai sword and get a chance to put it to good use. What better use is there than to take out a couple of rapists? Sure it's slightly humorous, though extremely dark, to see Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames), a giant of a man who happens to be L.A.'s biggest and baddest gangster, and Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis), a boxer whom I am sure has taken some men down in his day, put in this predicament. However, the real entertainment happens in the four, yes four, fist pump moments in this scene. So, in chronological order, here they are:


Fist Pump #1: Butch escapes from the chair his captors have him tied to. This causes "The Gimp", a full grown man dressed up in a leather suit and chains that the rapists keep in a trunk in their basement, to start making some commotion. The "Fist Pump Moment" is when this professional boxer knocks him out with one punch, leaving him limply hanging by the chain around his neck. Satisfaction? Check.


Fist Pump #2: Butch decides that instead of leaving his enemy, Marsellus Wallace, to his fate in the basement he will choose a weapon and be his savior. The scene being set in a pawn shop gives him the freedom to choose just about anything from a baseball bat to a chainsaw. What weapon does this man choose? The Samurai sword. This "Fist Pump" is not so much for the bad guy getting his, but for the realization that he is about to get it with a Samurai sword. "Wish I Had One of Those" moment? Check.


Fist Pump #3: Butch takes out rapist #1 by slicing him across the stomach and then stabbing him in the gut with the backwards thrust of his sword. There is this look on his face that says "I saw this move on TV once and I always wanted to try it out." Who can blame him? That move is classic. Painful death by Samurai sword? Check.


Fist Pump #4: Lastly, Marsellus saying, "Step Aside Butch". Then, without hesitation, shooting the antagonist with a shotgun right where he deserves it. If you don't think that deserves a fist pump, maybe the following dialogue will change your mind.


Butch: What now?
Marsellus: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple of hard, pipe-hitting niggers to go to work on the homies here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy?! I ain't through with you! Not by a damn sight. I'm gonna get medieval on yo' ass!
Butch: I meant, what now between me and you.
Marsellus: Oh, that "what now". I tell you what now between me and you. There is no "me and you". Not no more.
Butch: So we cool?
Marsellus: Yeah, we cool. Two things: one, don't tell nobody about this. This shit is between me, you, and Mr. soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain rapist here. It ain't nobody else's business. Two, you leave town tonight, right now, and when you gone, you stay gone or you be gone. You lost all your L.A. privileges. Deal?
Butch: Deal.
Marsellus: Get your ass out of here.


Lots of pain, terrifying dialogue, and the promise of torture? Check, check and check. I am doing a mental fist pump right now.


2- There Will Be Blood- Eli Sunday (Paul Dano): I know what you are thinking; Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) was no ray of sunshine. He didn't live the most righteous of lives. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be the one to dish out punishment, but by the end of "There Will Be Blood" no one cares who bludgeons Eli Sunday to death as long as it happens. He didn't exactly do anything wrong, but he puts off this air of superiority that just makes me want to curb stop him. I know it's wrong to wish violence on another person, but it's okay if he is irritating, right?


Lets take a minute to applaud Paul Dano. Daniel Day-Lewis is the greatest actor of all time and I am fully confident in saying that. He is a true master of his art. I will hear no argument on the matter, he is absolutely phenomenal. As intimidating as it would be to work with Daniel Day-Lewis, Paul Dano managed to keep up with him. He was supposed to be really ignominious in a religious zealot sort of way, and he was. I was impressed, nay, astounded that I had moments where my attention was completely on Dano. I expect big things from that man.


1- Death Proof- Stunt Man Mike (Kurt Russel): This is Kurt Russel's very best role. The way he played Stunt Man Mike was inordinate, yet unsuspecting. He was corrupt, but decent. He was simple, yet calculating. Mike was perfectly developed in making his demise matchless. SMM's (Stunt Man Mike) MO was to find a group of girls and kill them with his "Death Proof" car. His big mistake is trying to take on Kim (Tracie Thomas), Abernathy (Rosario Dawson), and Zoe (Zoe Bell), a group of girls who work in the film industry, two of which are professional stuntmen themselves. He chases them down while they are performing some recreational and reckless stunts in a classic 1970 white Dodge Challenger. After repeatedly ramming into them and eventually throwing Zoe from the hood of the car, the three ladies decide to exact a little revenge. Zoe grabs a pipe and they head off to the find the psychopathic stunt man. After the most epic car chase of all time he rolls what's left of his vehicle. The infuriated heroines drag him from the car and give him the beating of his life, ending with Rosario Dawson giving him an axe kick to the face. The entire time SMM is being chased his horror is physically manifested by the tears of a full grown man. His fear is the most satisfying part of this prodigious "Fist Pump" moment.





Note: If you have an idea for a post let me know, I am completely open to suggestions.

Top 5 Monologues

What is a great monologue? Great monologues are what you think up in the shower, but don't have the guts to say. You know what I'm talking about, the shower confrontation. You get slighted by someone and you are going to give them a talking to. Maybe you are finally going to tell your best friend to start paying for their own lunch, but nothing ever leaves the shower. A great monologue is your life's mission statement. It sounds fabulous in your head, but the problem with monologues is that's the only place they are mind blowing. That's why we love a good monologue. It's what you wish you had said, but someone, who is much wittier than you or I, wrote it before we had the opportunity to use it.


5-V For Vendetta: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villian by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.


This is pure Dr. Seuss after a night of mixing uppers and downers. It is my childhood on crack cocaine. It is set in the darkest dream I have ever had. It's a lonely London alley way where a masked man has just chased off Natalie Portman's assailants. He is not someone I would want to meet in a dark alley, but his words that follow this act of bravery are those of an eccentric genius. The simplicity of alliteration is hypnotizing, universal, and just plain entertaining. The writer is gifted. No word is out of place. There is reason behind each idea. From start to finish what is intended to be said is said in an intelligent and organized fashion. It's elegant to read and elegant to hear. There is a feeling of poetry as though a great work of art was written, then the movie was built around it. In short this was a phonetically phenomenal, fabulously filmed, fine flick.


4- Marlon Brando, On The Water Front: It wasn't him, Charley, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money. You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Charlie.

Remember what I said earlier about monologues being the things we can't bring ourselves to say? This is the epitome of the "confrontation monologue". When Brando speaks these words he sounds like a real person. It is something that someone might actually say. There is so much feeling behind these words, so much emotion. I can't help but be pulled in because of the honesty in his voice. Not for one second of this monologue is he Marlon Brando. He is Terry. He is an inner city bum. My heart breaks for him. The words do not feel scripted. He is just having a conversation with his brother. I love the imperfections of this monologue and I love the the performance. It is a near perfect monologue. If you don't believe me just think, how many times have you heard the words, "I coulda been a contender."

3-Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting (1996): "Choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family, choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments, choose a starter home, choose your friends. Choose leisure-wear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite and higher purchase and a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you've spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future, choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life, I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons! Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?'

Why is it so good? Anyone who has seen "Train Spotting" more than once can repeat at least one line from this monologue. The words are easily recognized on T-shirts and bumper stickers. The reason it is universally loved, the reason it is so quotable, is because it makes living without responsibility look like the most fun anyone could possibly have. Seeing a young Ewan Mcgegor being chased through the streets by a couple of cops in his oh-so nineties attire while his monologue is playing as a voice over makes me want to jack TVs. The first time around this monologue might seem like nothing special. However, after watching the film from start to finish, the next time you hear the words "Choose life" you may find yourself leaning forward in your chair, hanging on to every word of Renton's (Ewan Mcgregor) enthralling, self-destructive mantra.

2- American Beauty: I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time....for me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars...and yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street...Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper...and the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie...and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...You will someday.

I struggled to put my feelings into words for this monologue. I didn't know where to start, but I remembered a conversation I had with my oldest sister a couple weeks ago. Instead of going off on my usual rant I just want tell write about it.
Summer and I were discussing that fact that we had never argued about anything in all of my 22 years of life. We dove into politics, art, ideas, anything that might spark some sort of altercation. There were differences of opinion. I am slightly liberal, she is more conservative. I tend to be a follower of dark cult classics while she enjoys foreign films about food. However, there was no knock down, drag-out, honest-to-goodness argument. Why? It is not only because she is my sister and I love her. The deeper reason is because we have a mutual love of life. We as human beings have the ability to create beautiful art, to enjoy culture, and to have unique thoughts and ideas. But what is the point if we can't share them freely? I want to hear what introspections my sister has and I want her to hear mine. I want to show her things that I love and I want to experience what she loves. I want to hear, see, feel and taste all of the beauty in the world and I want to do it unbridled by anger or fear. I want to learn french, play the banjo, see something that has no explanation, hear music I've never heard before, and acknowledge views that aren't my own. Most of all, I want to see life from another perspective and recognize that it is beautiful. I desire nothing more than to have a life free from anger, hate, and fear. I desire completely peaceful happiness. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my desires that "my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain". The reason I love this monologue is because every time I hear it I am touched by another's love of life.

1-Samuel L Jackson, Pulp Fiction (1994): The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

How do I know that this is an exceptional monologue? It makes me want to purchase a gun every time I see it. Any movie that makes me want to buy a weapon gets a spot on my list of classics. The fact that Quinton Tarantino could do it with one passage of scripture, that he didn't even write, is one of many reasons "Pulp Fiction" landed the number 1 spot. Start to finish this was a perfectly performed monologue. (It was perfectly written as well but I am not sure who gets credit for the bible). Take the fire and brimstone out of a Baptist Minister, and channel it into a man who is a professional thug. What do you get? A classic monologue. Samuel L. Jackson starts out soft and slow as though he is teaching a child something very important. As he progresses to the middle of the scripture there is the realization he is not teaching, he is scolding. By the end he crescendos into outright punishment. Quinton keeps the camera on him the entire time. Adjusting only to show a relaxed Vincent (John Travolta) casually pull out his chromed .45 Auto Ordnance 1911A1 with pearl grips and wait for Jules to finish. Also, take into consideration the dialogue directly before the monologue; Jules asking Brad (whom the monologue is directed towards) if he broke his concentration after casually shooting Brad's friend in the head. That is old school Tarantino all the way. Anything else would have been disappointing. I am getting PUMPED just writing about it. This monologue is epic, don't question it, just go out and watch it for yourself. I have just one question... what is in the briefcase?



Great monolgues that didn't quite make the cut (not in any particular order):

Fight Club-Brad Pitt- The Rules of Fight Club

A League of Their Own-Tom Hanks- There is No Crying in Baseball

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof- Elizabeth Taylor- I Feel Like a Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

To Kill A Mocking Bird- Gregory Peck- Someone Else's Shoes

To Kill A Mocking Bird- Gergory Peck- Opening Arguement

Brave Heart-Mel Gibson- (you know exactly which one I'm talking about)

Devils Advocate- Al Pacino- He's An Absintee Land Lord

Tropic Thunder- Tom Cruise- I Will F*** You Up

Silence of the Lambs- Anthony Hopkins- The Boys Found You

Casa Blanca- Humphrey Bogart- I'm No Good At Being Noble

Schindler's List- Liam Neeson- Why Did I Keep the Car?

High Fidelity- John Cusack- Top 5 Break Ups



Feel free to post your input, anything I missed?

Top 5 Zombie Movies

I never thought I would be one to have a blog. I always wondered who bloggers thought they were to assume I wanted to take time out of my day to hear their thoughts on anything. So why then am I starting my very own blog? It's possible that I am hoping Rolling Stone magazine will recognize my talent over all of the millions of young adults trying to get famous via blogging and pay me six figures to analyze pop culture. It may be that I need something to invest my creative energy into before my brain turns into sticky grayish goo. If I were completely honest with myself, I would say that I really do believe deep down that the rest of the world should be interested in my thoughts. They are interesting after all. If they weren't, I wouldn't have them. Whatever the reason is, this is happening. So get ready. Here comes my first ever blog. The theme: Top 5 Zombie movies of all time.


5- "Shaun of the Dead"
Short synopsis- The movie opens with Shaun (Simon Peg) and Liz (Kate Ashfield) arguing about their relationship. The fight results in a break up, and this turns Shaun and Ed (Shaun's flatmate played by Nick Frost), to a wild night of drinking. They get so pissed that they don't notice the flesh eating zombies all around them. After they sober up and figure it out, the proverbial feces collides with the rotating, air-cooling device. They come up with the perfect plan; Kill Shaun's zombie step father, save Shaun's mum, rescue Liz (maybe get back together in the process), go to their favorite pub (the Winchester), and wait things out. Of course events don't go as planned, but Shaun finds himself and fulfills his potential as a Zombie slayer.

This movie received the honor of being #5 because of my deep appreciation for dry British humor. It's the kind of humor that makes you want to say, "I know, right?!" For example, why is it that in zombie movies no one ever calls zombies zombies? or, how can zombies tell that we aren't zombies, couldn't we potentially walk right past them if we moved slowly and groaned? or, How do people suddenly come into the possession of super sweet weapons when the dead rise, wouldn't we all, realistically, be carrying around golf clubs and rolling pins?
I love the relatability of the characters. I like that Shaun, an underachiever, instantly thrives in a world over run by the living dead. I would like to think that I would also kick trash with a cricket bat if I were in his situation. I like that I have friends like Ed who seem to really enjoy their sedentary life style, and I like that I have friends like Pete who can't stand my friends like Ed. I like the idea of holding up in my favorite venue just for the familiarity of it. I like Shaun generally as a person. So is there anything really fantastic about this movie? Is it any great cinematic feat? No, I just enjoyed it like sometimes I enjoy carne asada fries, which have no real nutritional value. This movie is fast food.


4- "Fido"
Short synopsis- "Fido" is set in post apocalyptic America. Scientists working for Zomcon have designed a collar that can be put on zombies to control their behavior turning them into low cost slaves. Timmy Robinson spends most of his days being picked on or ignored but when his mother buys the family a zombie he finds the undead middle aged man makes a great companion. Timmy soon realizes that making friends with a zombie can mean trouble when Fido's collar malfunctions and he eats the cranky neighbor lady. In the end the Robinsons pull together to keep Fido apart of the family.

Usually satires are not my favorite genre of movie but in this case I thoroughly enjoyed not one but two Zombie satires. As much as Shaun of the Dead tickled me I have to say that Fido really blew it out of the water. Andrew Currie is one imaginative fellow to be able to put zombies into 1950s suburbia and make it work. The vibrant color and symmetry of each shot is unparalleled. He made the violence and gore somehow seem as beautifully put together as the 1950s house wives surrounded by it.

The screen play unfolded much like an episode of Lassie but the Collie is replaced with a zombie. Timmy is a well behaved boy, but trouble finds him, luckily the zombie retrieves help. Eventually the day is saved and a lesson is learned. The characters are carefully constructed to fit perfectly into a stereotypical 1950s neighborhood. Timmy is a good natured, curious boy who doesn't go looking for trouble. Mrs. Robinson is careful to turn each traumatic event into a lesson. The Father is emotionally absent and very careful not to acknowledge the existence of sex, especially in front of his wife. The cleverness of this satirical version of 1950s America is unmatched by any satire I have seen to date. Watch it, but take it for what it is.


3- "Night of the Living Dead"
Short synopsis- While visiting their mother's grave Barbara (Judith O'dea) and her brother are attacked my zombies, forcing Barbara to flee to a nearby abandoned house. There she finds others hiding out waiting to be rescued by the government. Zombies soon surround the property and tensions rise between the inhabitants of the house when each group comes up with their own plan for survival.

For this little project, I had to step outside my cinematic comfort zone. I normally would have predetermined that any zombie movie made before 1985 would be cheesy and therefore not worth my time. However, George A. Romero's original 1968 version of Night of the Living Dead was phenomenal. This was, in my humble opinion, the first zombie movie. Not chronologically, but it was the first zombie movie much like Psycho was the first murder mystery. It set the stage for generations of filmmakers. The camera work would be considered amateurish if it were in any other film but it is unapologetically imperfect, and it works. The story was less graphic then Romero's other work but violence wasn't the focus. It was about the people, the environment they were put in, and their reaction to it. This was a perfectly constructed film with a perfectly constructed, unforgettable ending.


2- "Dawn of the Dead"-
Short synopsis- A pilot, his girlfriend, and two gunmen for the military make plans to take a helicopter above the chaos after some unknown force reanimates the bodies of the dead. They eventually come to the unfortunate conclusion that they can't stay in the air forever. They land on the roof of a mall and barricade themselves inside, creating their own home safe from the death that surrounds them. They take the proper precautions, but they know it wont last forever, eventually people, dead or undead, will find a way in and ruin their perfect world.

6 months ago I was having an argument with a friend about the greatest zombie movie ever made. He insisted that it was Dawn of the Dead (2004). I wanted to disagree, but since I had never seen it I had to sit down and watch it in order to have a valid argument for my personal favorite. It was good. I will give it that but I wont give it anymore than that. About a month ago my cousin lent me George A Romero's original Dawn of the Dead (1978) and let me tell you, the remake does not do the original justice. I don't know if I loved this movie more for the gruesome cinematography, or because it would be rad to take over a mall from a bunch of reanimated corpses.

Lets start with the blood and guts. Tom Savini's effects were incredible, special effects generally get better with time but Savini's work in this film has never since been outdone. There is this image that I see clearly in my mind of a machete going half way through the skull of young looking zombie while his eyes look straight at you. It was more disturbing than bodies being ripped to pieces or entrails being removed and eaten by the dirty hands of the deceased.

Why I love the story: Give me a shot gun and a mall to reclaim from zombies and you have created for me the ideal Saturday afternoon. If you say that this scenario doesn't appeal to you even a little bit, you are a liar. I have this vision of myself someday donning leather from head to toe, kickin' it in the Apocalypse with a sawed-off shotgun and a machete. There may even be a chopper of the motorcycle variety involved. Of course this is completely ridiculous because I am unbelievably vanilla, but you've got to have dreams right? Anyway... I digress. This is an amazing screen play because it could have been taken anywhere but it was taken right back the imperfect human condition. That condition being that we like stuff, we like property we like something to call our own. When the Apocalypse does come we will search out that very thing. Even if we have to battle armies of flesh eaters to get it.

I only had to see this movie once for it to land a spot on my list of classics. If any of you out there are true horror flick fans I will remain unchallenged in saying this movie is legendary.


1- 28 Days Later-
Short Synopsis- Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up alone in a hospital. He wanders outside and realizes he is completely alone in the entire city. He soon meets up with Selena (Naomie Harris), a machete wielding badass who explains that most of the country has been "infected". She teaches him how to survive as they pick up stragglers and make their way to a military bunker where they start to wonder what is more dangerous; the humans infected with rage, or the men and women who are just trying to survive.

Lets talk straight for a second. I love the effects of classic zombie movies and I am into the gore, the blood and the guts, but they are not scary. They are icky and very entertaining but I feel no terror when I watch them. The "classic" zombie moves slowly, is not very smart and eventually their rotting corpses would become nothing more than a pile of sludge. There is something that sets "28 Days Later" apart from the other Zombie movies and that is the fact the "infected" are paralyzingly scary. They can move with the strength and agility of any living person and you have seconds before you turn if you are bitten by one. There is a scene where Jim (Cillian Murphy) is in a church and a priest who is infected is walking towards him. His eyes are fire red and he looks truly evil, his face is completely full of rage. Now, that is scary.

28 Days Later isn't just about out running "the infected", Danny Boyle gives you more. You see what evil hides in the hearts of man kind. He shows you scenarios of what people are capable of when it's a matter of survival. After Jim, Selena and Hannah arrive at the military bunker Jim is banished because he wont fall in line but he returns in order to save his new companions. The violence he inflicts on a soldier when he sees the mistreatment of his friends is so intense that he appears to Selena to be "infected". It is one of the most chilling cinematic moments of all time.

Cillian Murphy is as outstanding as ever, and why he doesn't do more is beyond me. The impressive Naomie Harris is not out done by her co-star. It is a perfect example of Danny Boyle's (Slumdog Millionaire/ Trainspotting) diversity. This movie is truly terrifying, but beautifully done. A great work of cinematic art.

"This is what I've seen in the four weeks since infection, people killing people. Which is much what I saw in the four weeks before the infection and the four weeks before that and before that as far back as I care to remember. People killing people. Which in my mind puts us in a state of normality right now."

-Major Henry West 28 Days Later