Top 5 Things Movie Characters Shouldn't Do

Movie characters... They are consistently better looking, more talented, wittier, funnier, more likable, and get more action than the rest of the general population. There is, however, one thing that people whose life stories do not fit into two hours have over the fictitious: brains. We don't do the ridiculous stuff that gets them into these situations in which they can appear sexy or exciting. So, next time you watch "We Own The Night" and Eva Mendes makes you feel bad about yourself, remember that you are not a moron and just be content with that.

5- The "Kill Someone During A Drunken Night Of Stupidity Then Try To Cover It Up":

ie: "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (all of them) "Sorority Row"

I have found that when I accidentally kill someone due to my own stupidity the police are often more understanding than the guy I thought I killed. That guy is very likely still alive and when he comes back for you, trust me, he will kill you dead. There is no way around it. A life of prison rape and parole boards is better than no life at all right? Do not listen to the prom queen, listen to the virtuous book worm because she is right. Turn yourselves in. It is much better than the alternative.

4- The "O... Umm... Yeah... By The Way...":

ie: "How to Lose A Guy In 1o Days", "Because I Said So", "Hitch", "There Is Something About Mary", "You've Got Mail", "Maid In Manhattan", "Failure To Launch", "Splash", "Bewitched", "Never Been Kissed", "Ten Things I Hate About You"



First of all, every one of these movies is cinematic trash. The only exception being, maybe, Bewitched. To harsh? It's how I feel. These are all predictable, paint by numbers plot lines. In each of these films the main character, or in some instances multiple characters, start off their relationship with someone under completely false pretenses. "Maid In Manhattan" O... Um... Yeah... By The Way... I'm a maid. "Never Been Kissed" O... Umm... Yeah... By The Way... I'm actually an adult pretending to be a student so this relationship will actually work and the advances that were completely inappropriate before are now okay. "Splash" O... Um... Yeah... By The Way... I'm a Mermaid. Will you forgive me for deceiving you and become a merman and live with me under water forever. NO! This does not happen. Sure people lie, but when they lie to someone they supposedly care about the relationship doesn't just become okay once the truth is out there. If Heath Ledger conveniently left out the fact that he was dating me because a rich jock paid him to so that said jock could date my sister, a poem, for which the movie would later be named, would not make everything OK ("Ten Things I Hate About You"). There are serious problems with this plot, yet writers and producers all around the globe come up with new lies for Mathew McConaughey to tell Kate Hudson each and every year. People eat it up, but it is insulting to my intelligence and to yours. So, please join me in my boycott of this nonsense and make the theater a place for art once more.





3- Don't F*** with Liam Neeson:

ie: "Taken"



Liam Neeson is general in the army that specializes in kick-assery. Here is the deal; If you want to be a criminal, follow this rule if you want to live. DO. NOT. F***. WITH. LIAM. This wasn't a lesson we had to learn by watching an agglomeration of movies throughout the years. It only took one.




2- Don't Go Out There Alone!:

ie: "Friday the 13th" (all of them), "Halloween" (all of them), "Nightmare On Elm Street" (all of them), "The Cell", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre","I Know What You Did Last Summer" (all of them), "Scream", "Psycho", "The Last House On The Left", "The Hills Have Eyes", "My Bloody Valentine"

(I know that there are thousands and thousands more that I don't have time to list)



Dear Abby-

My friends want to spend spring break at Lake Violent Death. I feel uneasy about it because I have heard rumors of a crazy man who lives up there. He waits for young people such as ourselves to be isolated from the world and then he picks us off one by one. I am anxious because I know eventually I will have to go out to the shed all by my lonesome and figure out who has been rummaging through the gardening tools only to discover the scythe is missing. Any advice would be much appreciated.



Sincerely,

Lee Departed



Dear Lee Departed-

If you are a virgin then don't worry about it. Your chances of survival are about ninety percent. Which is the same chance of surviving your walk to your Political Science class that is across campus at night. However, if you are the bong happy fellow with the bad haircut or the licentious libertine, listen up. This is good advice that may save your life one day. College aged men and women that engage in sexual activity are extremely susceptible to early death by machete. Yet, again and again they refuse to go anywhere as a group. Do your homework before wandering into the woods with a group of promiscuous under aged drinkers. See the list of movies above. If one of your friends has died violently while you were vacationing in your uncle's cabin, it does not matter if it is moving from the floor to the couch, take someone with you. If your boyfriend says "stay here, I'll be right back." he is a dead man and you are an nincompoop. Yes, "he" is out there. Yes, "he" will kill you. No, "he" cannot take out a group of 10 all at once because "he" never has a gun. I know the semester is finally over and its time to party, but on behalf of advice columnists everywhere I am asking, begging, pleading, do not go out there alone.



-Abby



1- Create Artificial Intelligence:

The "Terminator" movies, "A.I.", "2001: A Space Odyssey", "The Matrix" 1, 2 and 3, "I, Robot"



The corporations and governments who create artificial intelligence must not posses the very gift that they give. When was the last time someone created Artificial Intelligence and then said, "Hey, you know what? This seems to really be working out. The machines obey us, they seem content being slaves, and I personally have seen zero time-traveling assassination attempts"? The answer is never. It never ever happens and still, I am sure, there are people out there right now trying to make it work. Has John Connor taught you nothing? There is no way to control them. They learn fast. They take over. And even if you create a trilogy about it you still don't win. If humans happen to come out triumphant the world is basically destroyed. No one wants to live in the world of the latest terminator movie. There would always be that fear that one of the machines survived and is off somewhere rebuilding. To help combat this absurd idea I am starting an organization called IPAAI; Intelligent People Against Artificial Intelligence. If you would like to donate please make all checks payable to MerryNoelle.