Top 5 Movies I Wish I Had Never Seen

I remember my first major film disappointment. It was Casper. I was so pumped to see it, but when it was over my eight year-old self slumped down in her desk at Liberty Elementary and very huffily thought,  "Why?!" I vowed at that moment to never see a bad flick again. It is, however, unavoidable. Though I cannot prevent my readers from viewing every unworthy piece of time-wasting cinema, I can help them learn from my mistakes. So, here they are: the five films I wish I had never seen.




5)  Twilight and New Moon (2008 and 2009) :

Here is my beef: Stephanie Meyer hates women. Extreme? Definitely. But I feel extreme about this topic. I am not a feminist. Really, I am not. I believe in having the door opened for me. I believe in dressing nice and shaving my legs. I do NOT, however, believe that women should do any of the following:


1.  Pass out with excitement when their boyfriend (undead or not) kisses them.
2. Only drive their car when there isn't a man around to do it for them.
3. Writhe in pain every night for months after a break up.


The general theme of these movies and books is that a woman, or girl, is not whole without her "one true love"; and that love should be based off of nothing more than the little tingles she gets when she sees him. This concept is something I fondly call "Girl Porn". Good ol' fashioned guy on girl pornography is repulsive to me and degrading not only to women but to all humanity. It gives the viewer a false sense of reality. It can set the expectations one has for sex to a detrimentally unrealistic level and even damage ones ability to connect intimately. My disdain for pornography and what it does to sexuality can be compared to what Twilight does to love. Love is super awesome. Who doesn't enjoy being in love or even being in like with another person? But it certainly is not what it's made out to be in this unrealistic saga. Love does start with those tingles, but without true appreciation for the recipient of this love as a human being it will never grow into something deep -- something capable of the heartbreak caused to Bella by Edward in the second Twilight. This deep love that grows through time, through getting to know one another, and from real intimacy is exponentially better than what Stephanie Meyer has to offer. It is unfortunate that an entire generation of girls now has an unrealistic idea of what love is.  If they do not initially feel the instantaneous love of Bella and Edward they will discard a friendship or relationship that may have someday become something very important, or at the very least something they may have learned from. It will be difficult for me to sway any true fan of Twilight in my direction on this matter, however. For the fence sitters who have not yet decided where they stand, please strongly consider my position on this matter. If not for the sake of love in the name of all things good and pure, do it for pride.




4) Indian Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (2008): 

I go through phases where I complain for several months about a particular thing that Hollywood is doing, until they start doing something more ridiculous.  My most recent issue with the pushers of "American Popular Culture" over in California is their new nasty habit of taking great 80's classics and turning them into money making wastes. Wastes of time. Wastes of money.  Wastes of energy. Wastes of perfectly developed characters. The worst part is that they can't seem to stop. My prediction for the next five years involves a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air remake staring Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith), and a Goonies remake staring Elle Fanning (sister to Dakota Fanning). Let these classics be classics! I want to be able to one day show my children these movies without having them compared to the sub-par remakes. Aliens? Really? This plot fumble is not endearing or charmingly off-beat in any way.  It is nothing less than a condescending slap across the face to fans everywhere. With its resources, Hollywood can bear greater cinematic fruit than this. If not for the followers, then for themselves. When the direction a certain character goes is working, keep heading that way. Glorious cinematic classics will fall into the pinstriped laps of producers all over the world. Wine will flow like wine, and the gold will glitter like Lil Jon's teeth. That I guarantee.




3) Requiem For A Dream (2000):

I am completely aware that this piece of cinema is present on countless lists of great films. I am aware that the acting is superb. I am aware that the characters are well developed. I am aware that this film is a comment on modern social America. I am also aware of this film's importance to the independent film scene. But what I am most aware of is the complete and utter despair that immediately consumed me upon finishing this great American cult classic. So, it finds itself here on my list of films I regret. Unlike other films on this list, I can't say that you should not see it under any circumstances. I can only say that you should emotionally prepare for it. My experience with this movie was watching it with my good friend Caleb. I remember we finished the film, we sat in silence for several minutes, then he turned to me with a look on his face much like the look of one with food poisoning and said in a trembling voice, "I wish I wouldn't have watched that." I felt exactly the same. Yes it is great, but if you aren't ready it will crush you.


 
2) Leaving Las Vegas (1995):

As many of my faithful readers know, I am no Nick Cage fan. I haTE the waY he emphaSIZES the enD of eaCH woRD. I don't believe his characters anymore because when he talks he accentuates the wrong syllable. Though he won an Oscar for best actor, he was no better in this film than any other.  His inability to display vulnerability is distracting, especially when his character is meant to be so damaged.  He is too strong of a leading man to lead in this role.

Elisabeth Shue, on the other hand, was so heartbreakingly believable in this film that when it was over I felt devastated and dirty. As a prostitute, she showed confidence and sexuality in front of her clients. However, when she was away from that world she felt accessible, exposed, and insecure.  The happiness she felt in the beginning of her relationship with Ben (Cage) was still shy and unsure. Then her disappointment in its failure was nominal. I still couldn't enjoy watching her. It was depressing -- plain and simple. The film as a whole was such a downer. When it was over, I felt violated and physically ill. I say do not see it only because it will make you sad. 
 


1) Freddy Got Fingered (2001): 


Short Synopsis: Gord Brody (Tom Green) is an aspiring cartoonist. Gord doesn't speak or act like anyone that has ever really existed. He is a fool, he commits foolish acts, he says foolish things, and he foolishly tells his therapist that his father fingered his brother, Freddy. He has a girlfriend in a wheelchair that likes to be beaten with a cane. That's it. Seriously.

This is where Gord kills a deer, skins it and dances around in its bloody fur.
Yes, that actually happened.

Here is the thing: I would take a staple gun, staple my eyelids open, dip my fingers in honey, then in glass, and rub my eyes vigorously before I would watch Freddy Got Fingered again. I spend most of my days trying to avoid any activity that, when completed, makes me feel simple minded. In total seriousness, I felt my IQ dropping with each passing second of Freddy Got Fingered. Some may find its complete lack of respect for anything sacred or sensitive to be edgy or groundbreaking; however, it is only offensive. And more than that it is irrelevant and completely void of social significance. It is so far removed from any relatable life situation that its "humor" is lost on any discerning being. Truly great comedy comments on the absurdity of some part of our existence, be it minute or grand. Even if the comment is in itself ridiculous, it still reflects the human condition. This film simply does not. It is a trivial blip in on the timeline of comedy. A blip better left unrecognized.

Top 5 Funniest Characters of The Last 30 Years

Because of the evolution of comedy since the beginning of cinema, this was a very difficult list to put together.  Comedy tends to go through phases and trends.  It has also stayed paradigm in many ways.  How do we compare the past to the present?  Take, for example, "It Happened One Night".  This was the beginning of light romantic comedy. How do you compare that with "Annie Hall", the first romantic comedy to deal with real issues? Or take "Arsenic and Old Lace", the most traditional of comedies and compare it to "Shrek" which spits in the face of tradition.  It just cannot be done. So, I am going to focus on the last 30 years of live action characters.  I also want it to be understood that there are dozens of characters that may deserve to be on this list, but I have to draw the line somewhere.  I desperately wanted to make this a "Top 8" because with Holly Hunter and Nicholas Cage as H.I. and Edwina McDunnough from "Raising Arizona", Will Ferrel as Buddy the Elf in "Elf", and Zach Galifianakis as Alan Garner in "The Hangover" this list would have been the most perfect list I have ever created.  But I have my principles, and in the words of the great Harry Waters (Ralph Fiennes in "In Bruges"), "You've got to stick to your principles."

5. Jason Schwartzman as Max Fisher- "Rushmore" 1998:

A great comedic character has a very specific recipe. That recipe is 1 part acting, 2 parts directing, and 3 parts writing. What makes this comedy so great is that we receive a five-part dose of Wes Anderson in one film.  As the writer and director he was able to put his unique style into every aspect of his characters.  The way Wes Anderson develops a character has done for comedy what Alfred Hitchcock did for mystery. He

gave it a complete reinvention. His new style will become a cinematic tradition that will carry on for years to come.  Comedy before Wes Anderson was, with few exceptions such as "Harold and Maude", about silly, campy, goofy laughs and we, the people, loved it.  We still love it.  However, Mr. Anderson took out the goofy and replaced it with the real.  His comedies do still have that slightly inane quality, but they also have an honesty about them.  He has created hilarious drama that does not subscribe to anyone else's brand of comedy.  His writing and directing style produces characters we relate to and characters that become more amusing each time we watch them on screen. He is always good, but his talent for character development is most flawless in "Rushmore".

Jason Schwartzman did a phenomenal job in his debut role as an elitist, loner high school student who falls in love with his young British teacher.  The dry and direct manner with which he delivers his lines gives his teenage angst an intelligence and flare exclusive to his character.  His complete self-confidence, equally admirable and irritating, is comical .  Though his superior manner can be grating we find ourselves rooting for this eccentric teenager, laughing at his back-handed compliments and cheering on his insulting tone. The audience's love for this humorous character derives from a recognition of how we were, how we wish we were, and how we wish we hadn't been in high school.  To follow in Max's straightforward footsteps I will end by saying this; his character is funny. Really, truly funny.

4. Marisa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito- "My Cousin Vinny" 1992:

Funny actresses are a rarity in cinema.  Most comical roles for women are either poorly developed or developed to be completely unaware. However, Marisa Tomei nailed her Oscar winning role as a loud, Italian-American Brooklyn girl with a "Ticking biological clock". She is loud, opinionated and completely

completely ridiculous. But, she is funny.  Her comedic power comes directly from two sources.  The first is her ability to play off of her equally absurd co-star Joe Pesci who plays Vinny, her lawyer boyfriend who refuses to tie the knot until he wins his first case. She loves him.  She hates him. She helps him.  She hurts him.  No matter what she does she is funny.  The second source is the delivery of her lines.  Without a moment of hesitation, Mona Lisa Vito says what she means no matter how offensive or inappropriate.  She holds back for no one.  She is the perfect female character because she does not lean on the film for support, she makes us laugh all on her own.

3. Chris Farley as Tommy- "Tommy Boy" 1995:

1978- 1988 may have been the greatest decade for comedy in history. It was the heyday of the likes of Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Whoopie Goldberg, Bill Cosby, and Steve Martin to name a few. It

produced gems like "Ghostbusters", "The Jerk", "Animal House" and "Caddyshack".  Then it was gone, as quickly as it came it vanished.  Then something beautiful happened. That great, campy genre of comedy was briefly resurrected with "Tommy Boy".  Triumphantly, the comedians finally took back their territory, if only for a moment.

What makes Tommy a fabulous character in the world of comedy is that he has a charming underdog quality that we root for.  We find that ridiculous personality type tender.  He is that character that messes up again and again for our entertainment, but once he finds his voice he saves the day in his own unique way for our satisfaction.  We get lots of laughs along the way and a feeling reminiscent of the golden age of comedy.  However, the main reason he receives the honorable #3 position is that thanks to "Tommy Boy" every time an adult sees a child's jacket lying on a chair the world gets a reenactment of "Fat Guy in a Little Coat".    

2. Mark Wahlberg as Tommy Corn- "I Heart Huckabee's" 2004: 

If you haven't seen this movie you may not believe that this stoic action hero with the rippling biceps could pull off a truly humorous role, but he most certainly can. Wahlberg plays a firefighter that hires existential

detectives after 911 to help him understand "How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?"  Determined not to use petroleum, because if you do "you are a murderer, that's a fact", he rides his bike everywhere, even on the job.  After befriending Albert Markovski, another brilliant role by Jason Schwartzman, they become obsessed with "the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real" to them then their original philosophy that "the universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere".  All of this may seem dark and joyless, but the absurdity of his character is endearing and comical.  Tommy Corn loses his center and in doing so he is able to completely be himself, a man trying to understand his place in the world, innocuously and sincerely. He becomes the offbeat individual that is inside of a us all.  Watching Tommy is like looking in a mirror, and it is that subconscious self recognition that is truly hysterical.

1. Bill Murray as Bob Wiley- "What About Bob" 1991:

Bill Murray, the quintessential every man, must be represented on this list of "Top 5". He is brilliant. A comedic genius. I have never seen him in a role I didn't love. His vulnerability on screen is alluring and

simultaneously disenchanting. He has a great gift for honesty, be it beautiful or ugly. He will display truth when truth is needed and when it isn't needed he shows us a good time with good ol' fashioned jesting. Finding his number one role as an actor is nearly impossible. How was I to choose between "Lost in Translation", "The Royal Tenenbaums", "The Man Who Knew Too Little", "Ghostbusters", and "Groundhog Day"?  Becuase of my previously mentioned principles I did choose. I chose "What About Bob" for three reasons.  Reason #1:  Quotability.  One of the most quotable comedies of all time. I could say any line from this movie in a group and I will get big laughs.  For example: "Isn't this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now?" or "Hi, I'm Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face." It is just good stuff.  Reason #2:  Body language.  This is one of the most physically humorous movies out there.  The way he leans in and gets too close to the already agitated Dr. Marvin (Richard Dreyfuss) while begging him to treat the Turrets Syndrome that he doesn't have is perfect.  Or, the way he can't look while teaching Dr. Marvin's son, Sigmund, to dive because of his own anxieties. It is classic.  Reason #3:  Feel Good-ability:  That's not a word.  However, the principle is present.  There is nothing sad or dark about this comedy and when it comes right down to it that is what comedy is about.  It is about feeling good, laughing and enjoying a little bit of gaiety, and there is no one in the world more qualified to give us that then Bob Wiley.

Top 5 Vigilantes!

I saw Kick-Ass last Sunday and I seem to have developed what I would call a "little crush" on this film. I can't stop thinking about it, I want to spend all of my time with it, and I wonder if it feels the same way. It would be a lie if I said Kick-Ass inspired this week's topic because I have actually been working on this blog since long before Kick-Ass came out.  As much as I would love to put it in the Top 5 itself I have a rule that no movie that is still in theaters can make the cut, because there is no way I have seen it enough to properly evaluate it. But that won't stop me from being enamored with it. So, I would like to give Hit Girl, my new idol, a shout out because she is what vigilantism is all about.

Shout out!: Ruthless, bloody, violent, and satisfying. Ah...sweet vengeance.  She is what every vigilante should strive to be.  Her "crimes" are well planned, she is well trained, and she has that little something extra that people love.  In this case that little something extra is a potty mouth.  Any eleven year old that can emotionally handle cutting off the limbs of drug lords, take a hit from a full grown man and pull off saying some of the vulgar lines she did is OK in my book. I was deeply disturbed by her and I liked it. So, Hit Girl, there is your shout out and may it lead to many Top5 recognitions in the future.  And with that, let's get started.  Here we go... Top 5 Vigilantes.

The definition according to Dictionary.com:
–noun
1. a member of a vigilance committee.

2. any person who takes the law into his or her own hands, as by avenging a crime.

According to Urbandictionary.com:

"The one who will mend what has fallen apart when the laws of man have become obsolete with bloated bureaucracy and only serve the rich and powerful."

"He used the ground and powdered bones of the rich as mortar for the bricks that built housing for the poor. What a vigilante.


5. Hard Candy 2005- Hayley Stark (Ellen Page):

Short Synopsis- Hayley Stark (Ellen Page) seems like a normal teenager who is actually a sadistic psychopath that cuts of the testicles of pedophiles in her spare time... That pretty much covers it.

There is a brilliance to the intensity with which this film is executed.  In the opening scene "Cameraman" and "Thongrrrl" are are flirting in a chat room.  The sexual innuendo that is thrown about like confetti at a parade would make your mother blush. The tone is ominous, and the direction in which the film seems to be going is almost immediately apparent. Then, in a later scene Hayley (Page) ends up at the far from humble abode of "Cameraman" who is really the thirty-something Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson).  The fourteen year-old girl is modeling for the photographer, trying to be sexy, and she starts to undress.  For reasons unknown to the audience, Jeff looses his cool. He shouts at her then passes out.  Following this scene, an extremely disturbing hour of vigilantism ensues that is constructed with such intensity that the anxiety felt by the audience becomes an adrenaline addiction.  That is what I really love about this film.  I love to show it to people who have never seen it.  I love watching the progression from squirmy and uncomfortable, to confused, to fist pumping and cheering.  Much like the joyful face of a child on Christmas morning, it is priceless and I wish it could happen everyday.

4. V For Vendetta 2005- "V" (Hugo Weaving):

There is nothing better than a calculating vigilante. A vigilante with the patience to wait, plan, and execute with a preciseness fitting only of a mad man. It moves me to tears, almost. Though I adore the violent intimacy with which Hayley Stark picks and torments her victims, a vigilante that can bring down an entire corrupt regime in one gigantic leap is awe-inspiring.  The way in which this film represents the iniquitous empire that has taken power in this futuristic, post-apocalyptic British society is excellent.  The leader of this government has destroyed books, art, music... anything that may encourage independent thought.  He removes from society anyone with a different religious view, political view, sexual preference, or other diversity that makes humanity humane.  It is an ugly world that burdens the population with fear.  The cleverness of this plot lies in how easily and hastily we hate the antagonistic bureaucracy.  Each time they manipulate their people they are more despised and the vigilante finds himself with increased support from both audience and citizen in the film alike.  It's beautifully constructed from the outrage felt towards this polity overstepping its bounds, to personal injustices inflicted on the main characters, to the satisfying manner in which the adversaries meet their demise.  Try not to love the justice, I dare you.

Yes, the plot is brilliant. Yes, "V" is a great vigilante. But the real momentum of this movie springs from the acting.  "V", played by Hugo Weaving, has the difficult task of performing without the use of facial expression.  However, the inflection of his voice, the use of his body, and the brilliance of his dialogue all come together to create a character that works. Not only works, but excels where failure would be expected.  But he is not alone.  Natalie Portman is one the greatest living actresses.  This movie was the beginning of a serious career for her.  She showed extraordinary range and depth. She starts as young, naive woman who is living by the rules out of fear, much like the rest of her countrymen.  As she transforms with the help of "V" she becomes strong, fearless, and hard while still maintaining her capacity for compassion.  That is huge range of emotion to cover in one film and she did it all with grace and ease in an accent that was not her own.  Bravo.  The supporting characters were equally impressive. Steven Rhea as Inspector Finch, John Hurt as Adam Suttler, and Tim Pigott-Smith as Creedy, among others, all performed brilliantly to create an atmosphere of catastrophic circumstance.

3. Ingrlorious Basterds 2009- "The Basterds":

Hey, you! Sitting at your computer feeling sick and tired of me loving my Tarantino, saying to yourself, "He is overrated Merry. Stop being that person who thinks he invented modern cinema." I can't help it. He is my first love and every girl keeps a special place in her heart for her first love.  He will always appear in my blog where I feel it is appropriate. Deal with it.

Killing Nazis! Nazis I say! It is pure brilliance. Everyone hates Nazis.  So, let a few Jewish-American troupes inflict some good ol' fashioned violence on the one group of people from history no one sympathizes with.  But don't stop there. Make it smart. In fact, make it so smart that people who don't get it think they do and those who do get it realize they are the only ones.  Make it a movie everyone can enjoy and everyone can get excited to see.

Quentin can really pull beauty out of any scene.  At the end of the opening scene Nazi soldiers blow the floor under which a Jewish family is hiding to kingdom come, and somehow, with wood chips flying everywhere, bullets whistling through the air, and the full knowledge that this family is being executed, it still is nice to watch.  That is the general feel of the whole film. World War II was ugly. There was no good there.  However, Tarantino's intentionally inaccurate portrayal of this era was surprisingly aesthetically pleasing.

As for the vigilantes themselves, the thing that really draws the audience in is, once again, the justice of it all. If you have seen the movie, obviously it isn't historically accurate. If for some reason you didn't realize that it's not really how things went down, I apologize for being the rain cloud at your picnic (by the way, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, Eward Cullen... also not real).  That lie that Tarantino tells the audience is what makes it so magical.  He gave power to a group of people who lived in a time that was dangerous for them. He let a Jewish man beat a Nazi soldier to death with a baseball bat. He let a group of Jewish-American soldiers kill the man that exterminated so many of their people. It may be an unconvincing lie, but it is also the most gratifying lie I have been told in a long time.

2. Deniro in taxi driver 1976 Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro):

Deniro is super nutty in this film.  I am used to a cool, calm, and collected Deniro, and this redefined him for me.  I can't even imagine the dark places he must have gone to prepare for this part, but his acting was flawless.  There is a scene where he is practicing his quick draw in preparation for a future assassination attempt of a local politician  He is shirtless in his studio apartment and he repeatedly draws his gun, aims it at the mirror then casually reholsters it.  This is the scene that bore the iconic line "You talkin' to me?"  His insane ramblings are perfectly performed to give the realization he has lost it and is completely unaware that "it" has been misplaced.  However, even in his insanity he finds the clarity to accomplish three extremely cool vigilante tasks.  The first was to give himself a Mohawk.  A huge part of vigilantism is the outfit, and it doesn't matter what else a vigilante wears if he has an ultra hard core hair cut.  The second was to kill a pimp and rescue a child prostitute.  No one likes a pimp. Especially one who is pimping an under aged, prepubescent Jodie Foster.  I think I speak for us all when I say, "I wish I had his guts" (of course meaning his figurative guts and not his literal guts, because I obviously would have no use for the innards of an award winning actor).  Number three, see the above picture.  That is a wicked cool still from a wicked cool scene in a wicked cool movie.

1. Boondock Saints 1999- Conner MacManus (Sean Patrick Flanery) and Murphy MacManus (Norman Reedus):

The moment I started discussing the topic of vigilantes with my trusted advisers, this film came up. I, to their deep dismay, had never seen it. As a just and fair blogger I had to give all viable options their chance, though I was already convinced my "Top 5" list was perfect. So I watched it. Let me set the scene for you:

It was a Sunday morning at the crack of noon when I awoke. The sun shining through my windows. I stretched out across the entirety of my king sized bed wondering why the sun had woken me at this ungodly hour. Not quite willing to leave the warmth of my bed for the frigid 73 degrees of my apartment, I grabbed my laptop off the floor and began to see what Netflix had to offer in their "watch instantly" department. Apparently, based on my interest in "Taxi Driver" "Boondock Saints" was a film I would find enjoyable. So, with nothing better to do, I clicked on it then took a power nap while it buffered.

With each scene that came and went I loved it more.  By the time it was over I was imagining my life as Conner McManus' love interest/partner in crime.  Of course, Murphy would become jealous of our new closeness, but I would soon prove to him my usefulness and love for his brother.  He would then find himself torn between his loyalty to his brother and his new passion for me.  It's all very deep and sexy, but we don't have time for it now, so let's move on.

This movie was pure cinematic magic. I picture a man somewhere in a pointy hat with stars on it and a long blue robe standing over a cauldron stirring in eye of newt and tongue of snake to create a movie so otherworldly that no wise movie goer could see it as anything but pure dark arts. The style was amateurish and feels low budget at first. But, after the first few minutes, I was so taken in by the story that the inexperienced style was quickly forgotten. By the end, that same style I had cringed at in the beginning I found endearing and fundamental to the whole idea of the film.  It didn't lack style, it redefined it.  They used symmetry to create a mood of brotherhood that is unmatched by any other crime drama.  The way the imagination of the characters was used created the first successful overlap of past and present scenes in a film that was both artistic and functional.  All of that is really just an excuse to put in as number one. The real reason is that is was cool.  Plain and simple.  Sometimes that's all I need. 

Top 5 Romantic Comedies

I don't know a lot about "romance", so my definition of a romantic comedy may not be completely accurate. I do, however, know a lot about comedy and even more about cinema. So, for today, to keep things clear, a romantic comedy will be what I say it is.

Because I am so down on the genre, this blog may come as a shock to those who are close to me. And since all of my readers are family members, that means all of you. Little do you know I am actually a great appreciator of all kinds of well done film. It is not the romantic comedy itself that I despise. It is the lack of effort that is put into what I like to call the "Kate Hudson". The "Kate Hudson" is any movie that would be just as good or better with her in it. For example, "The Ugly Truth" starring the delicious Gerard Butler with the beautiful Katherine Heigl on his arm whom, for the record, I really like. Now picture it with Kate Hudson. Better, right? That is because Hudson knows the romantic comedy like the back of her perfectly curved calf. How did she come to be so knowledgeable on this the basest brand of film? Her expertise comes from the dross she produces almost annually. There are romantic comedies that are too smart for Kate to pull off and those make the cut. Here they are...

5- Bewitched (2005):

Here is a subject that, surprisingly, I have never touched on. The subject of Will Farrel. I love him, I really do. I have seen every one of his movies, bar "Night at the Roxbury" for reasons unknown even to myself. He is hilarious. He absolutely slays me. Some might argue that he is the same in everything he does and I agree. He is the same because he is always funny. He is a comedian, for heaven's sake. His job is to make people laugh, and if he does it well who cares what vehicle he takes to get there? Even if it is a shady, windowless van it still delivers comedy. Cut him some slack.

Nicole Kidman is a different story altogether. I do not think she is by any means a goddess of cinema, but ever since "Moulin Rouge" I have had a soft spot in my heart for her. The reason being "Moulin Rouge" was my gateway drug for film. One hit and I was hooked. It was the first movie I viewed as art and Kidman was a key factor in that. She was like the pearl earring on the "The Girl With the Pearl Earring". The painting would not have been anything spectacular without it, and Baz Luhrmann's masterpiece would have been just another sad attempt to bring back the musical without her.

Now, back to the film at hand. Nicole Kidman was bloody brilliant! It is hard to imagine Farrel and Kidman together romantically, but somehow her innocence and vulnerability matched his campy, overconfident air. It was adorable. The story was sweet and tender. The acting, much like a muffin, was perfectly over the top and the star power was well played. The cherry on top was that Kate Hudson could not have pulled it off to save her life. I loved it.

4- It Happened One Night (1934):

The recipe for a romantic comedy:

-1 Tablespoon two people meet under false pretenses

-1 cup they hate each other

-2 cups finding common ground

-4 cups falling in love

-1 cup finding out one or both is lying to the other

-5 cups redemption

-1 cup happily ever after

Mix ingredients in an unfamiliar setting. If you do not have an unfamiliar setting, a high school or the workplace will do. Boil over intervals of high heat, sexual tension, and horribly embarrassing moments. Remove from heat, let cool, wait for Kate Hudson's agent to call with her next available start date and repeat. For best results use Matthew McConaughey as the leading man.

As much as I mock it, it really is a brilliant concoction, and "It Happened One Night" was the first film to really perfect it. It has been the guiding light for romantic comedies since its conception in 1934. Though I do not agree with the implausible plot line of the average romantic comedy that leaves 12-year-olds around the world looking for a sensationalized version of love or lust that just doesn't exist, this particular film really was a gem. I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, it was so well done that people continue to steal its plot. They have been thieving it for over 75 years. Do not let its brilliance be darkened by the silly fodder that has followed in its path. It is a lighthearted, genuine joy to watch. There isn't a twist you haven't seen before, but back in the day it was new and exciting. So, not for the complicated plot or marvelous acting, but for its ability to so deeply and unknowingly change pop culture forever, it receives the esteemed honor of being called number four.

(P.S.- Kate Hudson probably could have pulled this off had she been alive, but since she wasn't this still is not a "Hudson Comedy".)

3- As Good As It Gets (1997):

The life in this movie is as thick as molasses. It swallows you up and you can't help but breath it in. Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson) is a miserable man who falls in love with the most unlikely of creatures: a dog. This little bit of tenderness set outside of his obsessive-compulsive comfort zone sends him spiraling into a new life filled with compassion. Since this emotion is new to him, he makes mistakes along the way. But it is those mistakes that make "As Good As It Gets" an ode to the beauty of humanity. Even in the sadness there is an emotional fulfillment that can only be brought about by the passionate performances from the actors. I recently re-watched this film to get to the core of it. What I found was that each scene felt like my favorite. Each scene made me feel. I mean, really feel. And that is what I love about great cinema, it forces you to feel. This isn't just a great romance between a man and a woman. It is a romance between a man and living.

2- Annie Hall (1977):


For most people Woody Allen is known for his offbeat humor and sexual liberality, or possibly for the fact that he is so hit or miss. To me this is a hit. I am going to risk plagiarizing here because I can't remember where I read this, but someone once said something along the lines of "a good movie is a movie that everyone thinks is about them". For example, pro-lifers thought "Juno" was about pro-life and pro-choicers that it was about pro-choice. This is how I felt about "Annie Hall". The crazy that is Annie (Diane Keaton) is like a mirror of all women's insecurities. No matter what side of the political spectrum you stand on she is easy to relate to. I loved the realism of the problems in the relationship because they are the same problems all couples encounter. A combination of that and the unique narrating done by Woody Allen while still in character as Alvy Singer made something that was...well, for the lack of a better word, different. I enjoyed it, and since Kate Hudson is not "off-beat" enough to represent the average woman it fits nicely into my strict guidelines for a good romantic comedy.

1- Moon Struck (1987)-

I HATE Nicholas Cage. I hate his face. I hate is voice. I hate the way he walks, talks, and breathes in just about everything. What gets me about "Moonstruck" is that I forget Cage is even in it. It's that good. All of the characters are likable and the love story is sexy, simple, and sweet. It makes you laugh, makes you cry, and makes you want to fall in love. Cher blew my mind, and the chemistry between her and Nicky C., who is 20 years her junior, was phenomenal. Since the story involves Italian-American families it had the potential to over characterize each part. But it was just Italian enough that the family felt as though it could be any family. When it's over you want more. It is a timeless masterpiece that everyone can enjoy.

I am in a club called MMA, which does not stand for "Mixed Marshal Arts" but "Movies and Magazine Articles". The last time we met it was my turn to bring a movie. I brought "Moonstruck". Usually when a movie is over we stick its four little webbed limbs with pins on plastic sheeting, slice it down the middle, then remove each organ to analyze until there is nothing left. It can lead to hours of conversation. When "Moonstruck" was over all we had to say was that we really, really liked it. We just kept saying it over and over. That is because there is nothing in it not to like. The thing about romantic comedies is that there is no firm cinematic argument for why they are good. They just are. They make you feel good and that's how I knew "Moonstruck" was "Top 5" material. When it was over I just felt good. I want this movie to speak for itself. Here is the monologue by Nicholas Cage from a scene that give me chills every time I watch it. Enjoy!

"Loretta, I love you. Not, not like they told you love is and I didn't know this either. But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything! It breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us! Not US! We are here to ruin ourselves and...and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and...and DIE...I mean, I mean the storybooks are bullshit. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and...and GET in my bed. Come on, come on, come on."

Top 5 Most Overrated Movies

Writing a blog is really just stringing several entertaining sentences together. It isn't something one needs a degree for. It isn't complicated. So, maybe I am not qualified to judge the artistic endeavors of Hollywood, but must we let them treat us like lemmings? "Lemmings", you may be saying to yourself, is harsh, but it is truth. Disagree? Then why did every female ages nine to dead feel the need to jump on the "Twilight" bandwagon? It is sensationalized, over dramatic, pretentious rubbish. Why is it that ninety percent of the human race thinks that "Ironman" was Robert Downey Jr.'s best work? It was sub-par at best. The narrow view that humanity has when it comes to the wonders popular culture has to offer is disturbing, for a narrow view is just a shallow view standing up. It hurts me to see the miraculous work of understated artists passed up for the emotional farce of movies like "Crash". For such atrocities, I harbor a pure disgust which has lead to this, "Top 5 Most Overrated Movies".

Before I get started, let me clarify what makes a movie overrated. In order for a movie to be overrated it must (in conjunction with being well liked) have won several big awards such as Oscars or Golden Globes, done very well in the festivals circuit, have a major cult following, be in "1001 Movies To See Before You Die", or be on other respectable lists of great movies. If it doesn't meet one or more of these standards then it isn't overrated, it is just bad. I understand that I may be sacrificing some sacred cows here, but there are movies I love that I am sure others hate. So, let's call it even.

5- "Saw II-VI" 2005-2009:

What would happen if the masses didn't realize they were being fed a "B" movie plot line with "C" movie acting? The answer: "Saw". The first "Saw" was actually really great. Very original with a plot line that wasn't overpowered by the "shock factor". It was intelligent, but mainstream and entertaining enough to have a following, which is a sweet money making combination, and I can appreciate that. Fast forward to "Saw II". Sometimes I wonder if Leigh Whannell, the writer of "Saw", is completely disgusted with the lack of respect his creative property has been treated with since the original, or if he is the puppet master. Does he pull the strings and ensure that each year his new ways for people to be tortured are displayed on the silver screen? There is no substance there. It is just creative ways to kill human beings, our own species. Consider this; if they made the same movie, but used puppies instead of people, the whole world would be outraged. Pay attention to the next "Saw" (and trust me, there will be a next "Saw"). It is just one shocking image after another to cover up the poor plot they have run so thin.

4- "Clerks" 1994:

Color me crazy, but I don't think that two hours of minimum wage employees talking about genitals and how hard their lives are constitutes as great art. It isn't even entertainment. It's silly and juvenile. The style was innovative, but what is the use of innovation without the talent necessary to properly execute it? Again, let's look past the shock factor and see the refuse we are being fed for what it is.

3- "Casablanca" 1942:

Thats right, I said it. "Casablanca" is OVERRATED. This may be the most sacred of all the greatly loved films that I am going to sully in this, my eighth, blog. I don't even feel the least bit bad about it. If "Casablanca" lovers do not want this film to continue to appear on "Overrated" lists all over the world, then stop talking about it as if it were cinematic gold. To many it is considered the greatest film not only of its time, but of all time. Therefore, when people see it their expectations are set unreasonably high. If the film doesn't do it for them, the disappointment is misconstrued with dislike making the movie feel much worse than it actually was. The result of this is an alienated audience. If critics and individuals would simply say, "It was good," or "I enjoyed it greatly," then all would be well in the world of the movie buffs. Those who love it wouldn't have to hear it spat upon, and those who didn't love it could simply appreciate it for what it is.

2- " Titanic" 1997:

When I was in the fourth grade, I begged my mother for months to let me see this movie. All of the cool girls had seen it, and I being, um, less than cool thought that seeing it would bump up my popularity status at least a degree. Finally, when I was a senior in high school I said, "Mothers be damned! I am watching this movie". And I did. Imagine my disappointment. "That was it?!" That was the dross on which my adolescent resentment had been growing like mold on bread? A silly, unrealistic love story? I am okay with unrealistic love stories now and then, but not when I am supposed to believe it really happened. It is insulting. I am too much of a realist to believe that Rose (Kate Winslet) held on to a couple of days of romance with a man she hardly knew for the rest of her life. It's silly fodder and I am having none of it.

1- "Forrest Gump"1994:

I can appreciate the "cutesy" parts of it. I can even understand the entertainment factor. I even like Tom Hanks for the most part. But there are two things I just don't get; A. What is this sick obsession with the baby boomer era? It was a great time, but "Forrest Gump" over-idealized it to a degree I have never seen before; B. Why did it have to drag on and on? Why, why, why was it so so long? The characters were all fully developed after the first five minutes, so there is no excuse there. It was as if they were trying to say, "Watch me! I am long and I have something important to say. I will take my time saying it so you know just how important I am". The combination of the self praise and unbearable length made it hard to relate to.

"Forrest Gump" felt as if someone were trying to hide depth in a shallow pool by darkening the waters. There was nothing there. What I am trying to say is that I get it. In fact, I see it so clearly I could have done this movie in 2o minutes or less. It would go like this; Sitting on a bench, life is like a box of chocolates, braces on your legs, meet Jenny, go together like peas and carrots, war, think about Jenny, war hero, Bubba-Gump shrimp, Captain Dan, think about Jenny, a series of unintentional run-ins or creations of pop culture icons, Jenny does bad things, you and Jenny get it on, AIDS, a kid, Jenny dies. The end. Roll Credits. Applause. Thank you! I'll be here all week.

An Article By My Good Friend Joe Firmage!

A good friend of mine wrote this and it is really good! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

p.s. Coming soon, "Top 5 Most Overrated Movies"



A Movie Report

The parentheses represent the number of times I’ve seen the film. The plus and minus has to do with the film affecting me positively or negatively; either way, it says something positive about the filmmaking if there is a plus or minus, since that represents the power of the filmmaker to affect this audience. The end grade is a combination of elements such as: would I recommend it; would I watch it again; the affect it had on me, does it stand up on subsequent viewings; did I like it; was the directing clear, convincing, affecting, true; was the screenplay well written and effective; was the casting appropriate; how was the acting; did this film contribute significantly to the canon; how was the entertainment value; did the film pull me into the world of the story (a lot of times this has to do with the audience and environment I watched the film with—were they talkative, was the contrast on the screen off, etc)


Movies I have seen Rating Year I saw it
1. Goodbye, Mr. Chips A 2010
Just watched it last night and I am in love with the good. I can’t help comparing this to the impressionable “Dead Poet’s Society.” And although Poet’s deals with a closer look at the children, the subject matter is essentially taken directly from Mr. Chips. And Mr. Chips would win in every conceivable war of the good between the two. However, Mr. Chips would never allow such a war, would watch Dead Poet’s with quiet candor, and go on improving the world one child at a time.

2. The Fantastic Mr. Fox A+ 2010
One of the best films I have ever seen. Immensely watchable, clever to the teeth, and truly one of the most original stop action movies I have seen. I am in love with Wes Anderson and crew once again.
But perhaps I am overreacting. Anderson has long been on of my favorite directors. So to say that this is one of the best films I have ever seen has so much more to do with taste than with technicality. But even so the statement still remains true. I do love this film more than most I have seen and already know that it is rated very high on my favorite movie list.
Ps. I didn’t leave my theater seat until they kicked me out, or until the theater girl patiently waited for me to leave my seat so she could sweep underneath my chair.

3. Where the Wild Things Are (2) A+ 2009
This movie is brilliant. It hit me on a more emotional level than anything else, but it is indeed brilliant.
There will be more notes on this movie to come. I will write a paper on the brilliance of this movie once I have it in my paw and clutches. Brilliant!

4. Giant A+ 2010
What can I say about Giant? It is a giant appreciation I give to this film for captivating me for such a long time and then compelling me to think about this film long after its viewing. Giant is a luscious film with themes like the landscape, subtle yet looming, almost invisible yet ever present, never ending and never beginning, just there, embedded deep within each character, essential and justified by the sheer velocity and scope of their existence.
If I could go back in time and choose a role to play I would pick the isolation, loneliness, sorrow, pity, arrested development, madness, and misdirection of Jet eight times out of ten. The other two times I would be the one holding Elizabeth Taylor and messing up the kissing scenes just to do a few more takes.
My new favorite Western Epic. However, about the epic, I like what Stephen Farber said, “Masquerading as a Hollywood epic, Giant is intimate and low-key rather than melodramatic, an uncommonly realistic look at a troubled marriage and a conflicted family…”

5. The Wild Bunch F 2010
The Wild Bunch is morally deplorable. Although it has remarkable symbolism, imagery, actors, and a spectacular opening, it is an amoral film about amorality. If I have to comment on rape by showing a rape, then I am at best a contributor to the disease.
I would praise this movie for some of its merits but I will save that for the critics. I will say this, Nabokov’s Lolita was once described by an Elle magazine reviewer as, and I paraphrase: “The only convincing love story ever written.” This is rubbish. It is a story about a pedophile who manipulates the unfortunate girl’s mother’s demise, and kidnaps and forces himself upon a 12 year old girl.
We have enough Lolita stories to go around, not enough China Towns, and a result is a filmmaker who has spent a long while in peril with an iron clad future .

6. Marty A 2009
I love Marty for this more than anything else: honesty, integrity, and a Hollywood film willing to take its makeup off to look at itself through the mirror of the honest lives of ordinary people. Marty is endearing and acted finer, funnier, and more bitter-sweet than a lot of films of loneliness and love are capable of.
And if you ask Nate, we couldn’t have viewed it at a more appropriate moment. If only there was a car wreck.

7. Inglorious Basterds F- 2009
Inglorious Basterds is another deplorable film. This is art commenting on art. It is ultraviolent and finds bliss in its own masturbation. Some of the scenes are spectacular and some of the subplots are wonderful in parts. Of course it is a smart film, more of a cinephile’s film, than a traditional war film, which is what I thought Tarantino would be going for in my naïveté. And we fall in love with a few of the characters but in the end I could never recommend this film to anyone.
I am reminded of Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange, which at one time in my life I was very fond of. McDowell’s character goes through radical shifts; imposed upon him by outside forces. Where once he craved and sought out “ultra-violence” (the 1st time I heard the term) he could no longer stand even the sight of the temptation of it.
I believe in radical shifts.

8. Angels and Demons D 2010
At times I am with company and they suggest a film I would not normally see. I concede saying something to the effect of, “Yeah, you can bring it over. It’s a sick movie.” A sick movie is a movie I welcome anytime I am too sick to want to think heavily or even mildly. I thought Angels and Demons was one of those movies.
I would now avoid this film no matter the pandemic.
Tom Hanks, please do other things with your time. And thank you, thank you Audrey Tatou for not taking this project any further. I can still have giant crushes on you. And Ron Howard, keep making proficient movies about proficient people. You will be welcome on most sick days.

9. Look Both Ways (2) A+ 2009
This is a small Australian film about people, death, relationships, forgiveness, and the ability to come together and change for the better of the whole. I was deeply touched by the sincerity and effectiveness of the film. One of the first things I was conscious of was the screenplay. Usually this is a bad thing. When one element of the film draws attention to itself over the other elements it usually screams, Drama queen! It’s like inviting Kanye West to an awards show.
But this screenplay doesn’t scream but allows the audience to know as much information with as much economy and congruence as I have seen in most films. From the start the needed information is displayed so naturally that I just am enveloped in the charm of this film.
I have never seen a film like this, and yet it is not Brazil. Watching it was akin to watching, perhaps, JuneBug. Everything is genuine and found in your neighborhood and city. Yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the film when it was over and watched it immediately again, and then watched the special features, and yes, I think I am still thinking about it.



Josef Firmage
(Jan. 2010)

Top 5 Movies of 2009

The Vikings were great. They were not "good" but they did have an air of greatness. I would love a Viking's burial. I guess it's not so much a burial as a ship burning. Nonetheless, I would love one. The serenity of having my ashes mixed with the algae and coral, and if I am lucky some might make it to the aquifer. I may even be reincarnated as the dolphin, defender of aquatic justice, I would be respected among all sea creatures. Though, I always thought I would make a better villain so maybe the evil sponge would suit me. I could be the master of absorption, I am sure my tyranny of aqua retention would be widely revered. I would be a greedy sponge and the people would fear me.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with film. The reason I bring up the mighty Viking is I have been spending a lot of time this week thinking about greatness and what makes a great film. Is a good movie a great script and amazing story line, or is it a great cast with great cinematography? Philosophical conundrum; ideas vs. execution. How I decided was I looked at my long list of films as if I were an artist. Artists do not look at their art and ask, "Is it moral? Is it accurate? Is it clean? Is it nice? Is it me? Is it you? Am I crazy? Will they like it?", and so on and so forth. They only ask, "Is it good", and if it is good, they show the world. So I asked myself, "Is it good", and here is what I came up with for "Top 5 Movies Of 2009" in no particular order.

An Education- Short synopsis: Jenny (Carey Mulligan) is a smart, mature, sixteen year old girl who attends an all girl private school. Her strict father (Alfred Molina), keeps a close watch on her to ensure that each of her activities will keep her on the path to Oxford. One afternoon, standing in the rain after her cello practice, she is approached by David (Peter Sarsgaard), a nice looking thirty-something man driving a sports car. He offers her a ride home, claiming to be a music lover who doesn't want her cello to get wet. A romantic relationship ensues in which David exposes her to good music, good food and fun. The young girl is not completely naive, but she is taken in by the exciting life-style David offers. The film's tag line "A girl beyond her years and a man beyond his boundaries" is the perfect summary.

What I loved about this film was the unique balance they found between the characters. David (Sarsgaard) isn't completely despicable. His relationship with Jenny, while inappropriate, was based on love. David is definitely not a great man but he isn't the usual sexual deviant that one would expect in this genre of film. He is charming. He is kind. He is a good, decent, working man, even if his work is slightly less than honorable. Jenny is not unbelievably naive. Granted she puts herself in a position of vulnerability but her arguments for her actions are very convincing. She is an intelligent, well spoken girl and it is felt through out the entire movie that she is not being manipulated but trying to find herself in a world where she has always been controlled.

In order for a film to be considered great there is one standard it must meet. It must cause a swell of unexplainable emotion. I want to feel despair, desire, joy, rage, pride, anger, anything even if it is without reason, it has to be there. "An Education" did that for me. There were so many scenes that weren't particularly emotional but there was a feeling of substance there. It were as if I was a witness to the beauty of humanity, despite our imperfections. This film encompassed the full spectrum of human emotion in a beautifully composed and effortless manner.

Brother- Short Synopsis: Grace Cahill (Natalie Portman) and Cpt. Sam Cahill (Tobey McGuire) have a loving marriage and two young daughters. Sam, a career marine, is sent back to Iraq. After his helicopter crashes he is assumed dead. Tommy Cahill (Jake Gyllenhaal), Sam's brother, is the black sheep of the family. Just out of prison he keeps finding trouble. After the death of his brother he steps in to help out his sister-in-law and nieces. After several months Sam is rescued from a make shift POW camp in Iraq where he has endured unimaginable torture. After returning home he becomes paranoid and violent. Jealous of his brothers new relationship with his family Sam slowly looses grip on reality.

"Brothers" is the most well acted film of the year. Each character brought an important element to the movie. Natalie Portman is currently one of the most under-rated actresses working today. She really is exceptional. When I watch her I never think, "There is Natalie Portman acting well." When I watch her act I forget who I am watching. I am completely engrossed in her character. She is heart breakingly believable in "Brothers". It is the small stillness between her movement and dialogue that make her so real. She keeps constant tension and it is beautiful. In 2o years Natalie Portman will be the next Meryl Streep, which is just about the greatest compliment I could give someone.

Jake Gyllenhaal is always pretty good so I don't have a ton to say about him besides he is pleasing to look at. Toby McGuire on the other hand was a big surprise to me. Normally I find him whiny and frail however he completely changed my mind in this film. He started so kind and loving then turned terrifying so quickly. He commanded attention every moment he was on screen. Which is what I found so impressive, he commanded attention where other would have to beg. I expect this to be a whole new beginning Toby McGuire.

"Brothers" was as well constructed and realistic and it was acted. I didn't feel as though I was being alienated but an unrealistic love affair. The characters were not disconnected from reality but living a human life. "Brothers" was just a story of a family and that story had no ulterior motives. I so was impressed by the dignity with which this movie conducted itself. It felt like a voice in the dark, like a whisper in a crowd. Despite the intensity of its surroundings this voice was determined to be heard.

Coraline- Short Synopsis: In this animated film, Coraline (voice by Dakota Fanning) moves to an old house in the country with her parents. Her adventurous spirit lands her in a world strangely similar to her real life. At first her "other" life, "other" parents, and "other" friends seem quixotic but she soon discovers a malevolent plot against her. She must choose between her seemingly perfect new life and her real life with the people who love her.

Animation is not my thing. I have very few animated movies that I have enjoyed as an adult but "Coraline" took the standard to a whole new level. I am not a qualified judge of how well the animation itself was done but I can say it was captivating to watch. Coraline's real world was life-like and her dream world was dream-like. Though it wasn't exactly a "children's movie" it felt like childhood. It was what all children want but with a lesson in the end that most children don't have to luxury of comprehending until adulthood. This film needs to be watched in order to fully understand its depth.

Inglorious Basterds- Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) and several other Jewish Americans are dropped into Nazi Occupied France during World War II. There mission is to kill Nazis. Not as soldiers, but dressed as civilians they find Nazi troops and exterminate them. This story combines with the story of Shosanna Dreyfus's (Melanie Laurent) mission for revenge after the murder of her entire family by Nazis to create a completely inaccurate "historical" action film.

Did anyone not see this coming? I am an unabashed Quenton Tarantino fan. I think he someone who would have been an genius no matter what field he chose to go in to, but luckily for humanity, he chose the film industry. This film was old school Tarantino all the way. The cinematography was gritty and dirty but completely flawless. The dialogue was realistic and witty. The cast was superb. The Nazi killing was... satisfying to say the least. I have nothing negative to say about "The Basterds"

I remember the first preview I saw for this movie, it seems like years before the movie came out. Its the concept of that damn proverbial watch pot and its unwillingness to boil. I waited and waited for it. Opening night I was first in line. After all of the build up there was zero disappointment. I enjoyed every second of it, then I saw it again and enjoyed it more than the first time. But that's Quenton, his movies get better with every viewing. Pure genius.

I could go on and on about each scene in this film but I wont bore with the detail because if you have seen it you know what I am talking about and if you haven't I wont ruin it for you. I do, however, want to comment on one scene. The opening scene where Col. Hans Landa, aka "The Jew Hunter" (Christopher Waltz) is interrogating Perrier LaPadite (Denis Menochet) about a Jewish family who he believes is being hidden in a local farm. Every moment from the time Landa enters his home to the time he exits my heart was racing. I knew something bad was going to happen but I didn't know when. The tension was so well constructed that even though there was very little happening I was not bored. Denis Menochet was absolutely fabulous in his Oscar-Worthy performance as the the most despicable man on the planet.

500 Days of Summer- Short Synopsis: Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a true believer in love, works for a greeting card company. His day to day life leaves him restless. He dreams of being and architect and falling in love. Upon meeting Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), his bosses new assistant he is instantly taken with her. After a drunken night of Karaoke their relationship become less than platonic. They date for several months but as the relationship progress the differences in their feelings for each become more obvious. Summer's discontentment with the relationship becomes apparent during breakfast one morning where she tells Tom she doesn't want to see him anymore. Tom is heart broken but determined to win her back. What follows is a story about love, though it is not a love story.

The honesty of this romantic flick was disarming. It exquisitely exhibited the inexplicable 'x' factor in attraction. The 'x' factor is absurd. There is no reasoning it in or explaining it out. In "500 Days Of Summer" there was, somehow, an understanding of the mysterious. Director Marc Webb captured that, he captured the enigmatic ambiance of love and he did it in a way that did not antagonize his viewers. The non-chronological format makes being a part of each moment simple. Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The story had truth, beauty, honesty and above all it had love.

Truth, beauty, honesty, blah blah blah, its all true but the prize element of "500 Days" was the superlative sound track. From Wolfmother to Simon and Garfunkle and Carla Bruni to Temper Trap it smoked all other sound tracks this year and rapidly forced its way up my list of all time favorites to settle into the the respectable position of number two directly underneath the "Harold and Maude" sound track. It even had two of my favorite Smith's songs and a cover of "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" by Zooey Deschanel herself. The rise and fall of lyrics and melody can be a great ally to films in the romantic genre. The whole film was marvelous but the sound track was sublime.

To finish us off lets look at 2009 movies as a whole. When I started this "Top 5" I had a list of thirty films. It seemed like a lot until I really started to think about how many movies were actually released this year, I don't know the exact number but my guess is hundreds. Maybe this is just me being critical of other people's lack of artistic ambition but why were there more greedy, money grubbing publicity whores releasing movies than artists this year. To the produces of the world I say; by all means, make money in your profession but please, please, do it with dignity. I feel, however that 2010 will be a great year. Lets all pray for more Daniel Day-Lewis, more Meryl Streep, more Quentin Tarintino and peace on earth.