Top 5 Movies I Wish I Had Never Seen

I remember my first major film disappointment. It was Casper. I was so pumped to see it, but when it was over my eight year-old self slumped down in her desk at Liberty Elementary and very huffily thought,  "Why?!" I vowed at that moment to never see a bad flick again. It is, however, unavoidable. Though I cannot prevent my readers from viewing every unworthy piece of time-wasting cinema, I can help them learn from my mistakes. So, here they are: the five films I wish I had never seen.




5)  Twilight and New Moon (2008 and 2009) :

Here is my beef: Stephanie Meyer hates women. Extreme? Definitely. But I feel extreme about this topic. I am not a feminist. Really, I am not. I believe in having the door opened for me. I believe in dressing nice and shaving my legs. I do NOT, however, believe that women should do any of the following:


1.  Pass out with excitement when their boyfriend (undead or not) kisses them.
2. Only drive their car when there isn't a man around to do it for them.
3. Writhe in pain every night for months after a break up.


The general theme of these movies and books is that a woman, or girl, is not whole without her "one true love"; and that love should be based off of nothing more than the little tingles she gets when she sees him. This concept is something I fondly call "Girl Porn". Good ol' fashioned guy on girl pornography is repulsive to me and degrading not only to women but to all humanity. It gives the viewer a false sense of reality. It can set the expectations one has for sex to a detrimentally unrealistic level and even damage ones ability to connect intimately. My disdain for pornography and what it does to sexuality can be compared to what Twilight does to love. Love is super awesome. Who doesn't enjoy being in love or even being in like with another person? But it certainly is not what it's made out to be in this unrealistic saga. Love does start with those tingles, but without true appreciation for the recipient of this love as a human being it will never grow into something deep -- something capable of the heartbreak caused to Bella by Edward in the second Twilight. This deep love that grows through time, through getting to know one another, and from real intimacy is exponentially better than what Stephanie Meyer has to offer. It is unfortunate that an entire generation of girls now has an unrealistic idea of what love is.  If they do not initially feel the instantaneous love of Bella and Edward they will discard a friendship or relationship that may have someday become something very important, or at the very least something they may have learned from. It will be difficult for me to sway any true fan of Twilight in my direction on this matter, however. For the fence sitters who have not yet decided where they stand, please strongly consider my position on this matter. If not for the sake of love in the name of all things good and pure, do it for pride.




4) Indian Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (2008): 

I go through phases where I complain for several months about a particular thing that Hollywood is doing, until they start doing something more ridiculous.  My most recent issue with the pushers of "American Popular Culture" over in California is their new nasty habit of taking great 80's classics and turning them into money making wastes. Wastes of time. Wastes of money.  Wastes of energy. Wastes of perfectly developed characters. The worst part is that they can't seem to stop. My prediction for the next five years involves a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air remake staring Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith), and a Goonies remake staring Elle Fanning (sister to Dakota Fanning). Let these classics be classics! I want to be able to one day show my children these movies without having them compared to the sub-par remakes. Aliens? Really? This plot fumble is not endearing or charmingly off-beat in any way.  It is nothing less than a condescending slap across the face to fans everywhere. With its resources, Hollywood can bear greater cinematic fruit than this. If not for the followers, then for themselves. When the direction a certain character goes is working, keep heading that way. Glorious cinematic classics will fall into the pinstriped laps of producers all over the world. Wine will flow like wine, and the gold will glitter like Lil Jon's teeth. That I guarantee.




3) Requiem For A Dream (2000):

I am completely aware that this piece of cinema is present on countless lists of great films. I am aware that the acting is superb. I am aware that the characters are well developed. I am aware that this film is a comment on modern social America. I am also aware of this film's importance to the independent film scene. But what I am most aware of is the complete and utter despair that immediately consumed me upon finishing this great American cult classic. So, it finds itself here on my list of films I regret. Unlike other films on this list, I can't say that you should not see it under any circumstances. I can only say that you should emotionally prepare for it. My experience with this movie was watching it with my good friend Caleb. I remember we finished the film, we sat in silence for several minutes, then he turned to me with a look on his face much like the look of one with food poisoning and said in a trembling voice, "I wish I wouldn't have watched that." I felt exactly the same. Yes it is great, but if you aren't ready it will crush you.


 
2) Leaving Las Vegas (1995):

As many of my faithful readers know, I am no Nick Cage fan. I haTE the waY he emphaSIZES the enD of eaCH woRD. I don't believe his characters anymore because when he talks he accentuates the wrong syllable. Though he won an Oscar for best actor, he was no better in this film than any other.  His inability to display vulnerability is distracting, especially when his character is meant to be so damaged.  He is too strong of a leading man to lead in this role.

Elisabeth Shue, on the other hand, was so heartbreakingly believable in this film that when it was over I felt devastated and dirty. As a prostitute, she showed confidence and sexuality in front of her clients. However, when she was away from that world she felt accessible, exposed, and insecure.  The happiness she felt in the beginning of her relationship with Ben (Cage) was still shy and unsure. Then her disappointment in its failure was nominal. I still couldn't enjoy watching her. It was depressing -- plain and simple. The film as a whole was such a downer. When it was over, I felt violated and physically ill. I say do not see it only because it will make you sad. 
 


1) Freddy Got Fingered (2001): 


Short Synopsis: Gord Brody (Tom Green) is an aspiring cartoonist. Gord doesn't speak or act like anyone that has ever really existed. He is a fool, he commits foolish acts, he says foolish things, and he foolishly tells his therapist that his father fingered his brother, Freddy. He has a girlfriend in a wheelchair that likes to be beaten with a cane. That's it. Seriously.

This is where Gord kills a deer, skins it and dances around in its bloody fur.
Yes, that actually happened.

Here is the thing: I would take a staple gun, staple my eyelids open, dip my fingers in honey, then in glass, and rub my eyes vigorously before I would watch Freddy Got Fingered again. I spend most of my days trying to avoid any activity that, when completed, makes me feel simple minded. In total seriousness, I felt my IQ dropping with each passing second of Freddy Got Fingered. Some may find its complete lack of respect for anything sacred or sensitive to be edgy or groundbreaking; however, it is only offensive. And more than that it is irrelevant and completely void of social significance. It is so far removed from any relatable life situation that its "humor" is lost on any discerning being. Truly great comedy comments on the absurdity of some part of our existence, be it minute or grand. Even if the comment is in itself ridiculous, it still reflects the human condition. This film simply does not. It is a trivial blip in on the timeline of comedy. A blip better left unrecognized.